Proof that we won't automatically buy anything with the SEGA Toys logo on. The SEGA Toys Healing Log. Or, the SEGA Toys Realistic Lady's Poo (XXL).

"Subtly enhance any room when relaxing ambient sounds begin, and the source is the Iyashi-log. Shaped as a piece of Japanese-style charcoal (a traditional sign of cleanliness), the Iyashi Healing Log blends perfectly into any room and adds beauty not only as a sound source, but in style as well."

"What SEGA's making instead of Dreamcast 2. A 'Healing Log'. What the... :(" - Matt.

Q. Why isn't Sony selling very many PlayStation3s?

A. Because it can't keep up with consumer demand!

"Consumers are purchasing our PlayStation 3 video games console faster than we can produce them... We currently have a production bottleneck with the Playstation 3" - Sir Howard Stringer, Sony, August 29 2008.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Nice one, Howard. You are a card.

Labels: WAR ON PS3

It's good enough for us.




She has accepted the EA pound to promote forthcoming music game for underachieving children "Boogie Superstar." Hopefully there will be a press event for "bloggers" which we will get invited to.




We could look into her eyes and easily lie about liking this game, were it to lead to anything of a romance nature. We'd even wank off her brother if it meant getting within lunging/grabbing distance.

These through-the-spyhole photos of the Lara Croft model were taken by a man in a hotel near the Game Convention show in Leipzig. He heard noises outside his hotel room, noises loud enough to be heard over the hotel pornography channel and his own laboured breathing.

He investigated. He somehow managed to get his camera to work through the spy hole in the door and took photos of Lara going into the room opposite. Sex may have happened inside, possibly with her still wearing the costume and just pulling the relevant parts of it to one side to allow access, but that's just us speculating.




"We were demoing our game at Leipzig this week where the new Lara Croft made an appearance, wielding buns and guns and generally trying not to get molested by hordes of sweaty acne-riddled east-German teenagers. She almost succeeded. In the first pic she is still letting people get close to her, and let them smell her hair (it smells of cabbage and cheap fags). It is not me in the pic. The only real-life video game character I would touch would be through a flying tackle. She is definitely do-able, if a little short for a Lara. That night though, things got more interesting."




"One colleague of mine who shall remain nameless lest he be mauled to death by his girlfriend, was hanging about in his hotel room one evening when he heard women's voices in the hallway. As any one of us would do, he looked through the peephole. And what does he see? Lara is getting into the hotel room across from him. As you can see by the pics, he used his iPhone camera to snap pics of the poor girl through the looking hole before dropping his trousers and making meowing noises at the door. I think you guys can appreciate the creepiness and down-right terror these pictures will instil in people. Ms Croft may even call the cops on this one."




"We suggested he should knock on the door wearing his bathrobe asking for a spare towel, or directions to the sauna in the vague hope of some German style pornography ensuing, but all he managed was to dreamily stare through the peek-hole for a few hours before falling asleep. Anyway, felt we had to send this one in. Hope you enjoy the perviness of it" - Seb.

Sonic t-shirts would seem to be the new ironic heavy metal t-shirts. We don't know if this is good or salty-upper-lip bad.




"Found this in the window of our local Next. It's selling a new Sonic T-Shirt with the print authentically distressed to show its 1991 vintage. The mannequin was wearing two shirts which made it impossible to tell whether it's going for £7 or £14. Keep up the great work. Though we die, La Resistance lives on" - Nicholas.




We also had lots of emails a while back regarding the awesome SEGA t-shirt range that was for sale via UNIQLO. It even hit the UK, but was discounted pretty quickly. Some things never change.




BUSINESS PLAN: Perhaps we ought to buy 1000 of these and make this the new official UKR t-shirt by flogging them on for £12?

It looks like Phil Harrison gave himself an award when he left Sony, a little something to remind him that things used to be good once.




Sam sent this in. He found it on the maker's site, where they say it was "commissioned by Sony Computer Entertainment (SCE) for the president of SCE worldwide."




Technically, for sales purposes, this contains copyrighted imagery of PS3, so can be counted as a PS3 that Sony shipped during 2008.




Well done, Phil. It's a shame everything half-decent you did during the first eight years was obliterated by the shitstorm of the final two, though.

It's the return of the weekly update that always seems to slip down between the sofa cushions of UKR and pass without comment. It's what we have done on other sites. Sites that don't mind being called blogs. Sites that don't mind us doing things like this.

This thing about tits and legs monsters.

This thing about the Duran Duran back catalogue.

This thing about that Braid game, which subsequently got linked to by Kotaku so is classified as GARY IS A GOOD BOY.

This thing about Kirk/Uhura sexy cosplay opportunities.

This thing in which we continue "hating on" Sony product placement in James Bond films.

This thing about midlands women who work in the meat retail trade, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

We hope you enjoyed reading it as much as we enjoyed painfully and slowly slogging through it while hunched up inside on sunny days. 7/10.

We usually have as much interest in buying a Wii as we do buying a swab of herpes virus off the internet and applying it liberally to the underside of our foreskins, then boiling up the swab to make a nice meaty soup.

However, things can change quite rapidly in the world of video game criticism.




We reserve the right to change viewpoints and opinions by 100% on any given day, when SEGA games are involved.




Today, for example, we may just decide to declare Wii the best thing ever.




Because of this.




Because of HER!




There is a full tracklisting for Wii Samba here. It is enough to have us popping down to Toys R Us at lunchtime to place a pre-order. At least we held out for nearly two full years before caving in to Nintendo's scheme.

After millions of pounds of wasted development cash to find a game that makes the PS3 worth owning along come the amazing SUMO Digital with the sole reason for possibly, maybe getting one, a GTI Club remake! Setting aside this betrayal by SUMO when they could be remaking Daytona USA we still want to play the amazing GTI Club, even if it means we'll have to lock the doors, draw the curtains and wear a disguise.


FUCK. FUCK. FUCK

Forget Nintendo's cock-drawing-transmitting Pictochat device, SEGA was facilitating experimental adolescent sex chat FIRST with its IR7000 Communicator. Quite an achievement, considering the technological limitations of the time period.

It has 14 amazing features, several of which are explained on the box. We're betting one of the remaining ten is "Durable plastic casing."




From here. Even comes with "Original battery bundle." Imagine that!

WHO SENT THIS IN?
Someone did, but we've lost your email. Sorry about that. Thanks, anyway. If you had anything particularly funny to say about it send it in and we'll stick it on.

A smiling face. That's the key. If this artwork was drawn today, Sonic would be snarling. Or looking down at you in some way. Or pointing a gun at your bitch. Or just coming across as aggressive while he TXT MSGs his crew about when/where the heroin shipment is arriving.

But back THEN, in the happy times, everyone smiled. Even when they were doing something Xtreme.




Apparently found lying about in Hyde Park.

Word reaches us that the Sony chief Kaz Hirai has committed harikiri after learning that the PS3 was outsold by the Xbox 360 in japan last week. The Gaijin console sold 28,116 compared to the derisory 10,705 of the PS3 heaping SHAME and HUMILIATION on the beleagured Hirai San, who is believed to have carried out the "Happy Despatch" shortly after learning the news.
Either that or he couldn't take another 90 minute cutscene in MGS4.

Kaz Hirai - Yesterday (probably)

Congratulations, Alan! We are looking forward to seeing what the latest evolution of Kikizo looks like.




Alan Doree. It is OK if we call you Alan, Alan? Thanks, Alan.




The zooming-in visual joke. Never funny when we try it.

The winter of 1995. Such great Saturn games, such promise. Surely PlayStation wouldn't stand a chance against SEGA's amazing three-way attack?! Who could resist Virtua Cop, SEGA Rally and Virtua Fighter 2? It's like the Mega Drive all over again!

That's how we should all remember it. Let's also remember those games coming out in time for Saturn's launch, or at least in time for Christmas. Here's a woman with big arms playing Virtua Cop.




"It is a video of Andy Crane and some Gladiators playing and reviewing Saturn games on a cack show from back in the day. But for me that is like porn. Hope you get it this time, Cheers!" - Father K.

Yes, we really do care about the whole battery thing. The cool, smooth sides. The design - so compact a space, yet so much to say. The poorly-translated text on import models. The chemicals. The danger! The art of draining them thoroughly.

We lie often, but not about battery love.




"I don't know if you really care about the whole battery thing any more, but on the off-chance you do; I found this in a laser pointer that was given to me as a 'gift' for fixing someone's computer. The photo shows the 0% free from Mercury, 'Sonic Z' battery."




"I have attached a scaled down version of the photo for use on the internet and also a larger file for printing should you wish to do so - Michael."

All those commoners who came in here looking for Lara Croft porn need to know that's not what we're about. This is what we are in fact about.




"Noticed this the other day whilst MY GIRLFRIEND was watching Masterchef. An almost certain Dreamcast/BBC crossover, endorsed by a camp Australian and Harry Hill. To sum up, the Masterchef logo behind the two guys looks like what the Dreamcast logo does, I don't watch Masterchef, and I most certainly was NOT cupping my balls whilst Andi Peters 'finished' his dessert. Yours manly, Andi_Peters_YUM!@yahoo.co.uk."

Labels: DREAMCAST LOGO IN REAL LIFE

We have to pull a Kotaku on this one - Death Tank is coming to Xbox Live. It is the most classic and most lost of all the lost classics. The Holy Grail has been wanked into by more people than have seen or played Death Tank.

To access sequel Death Tank Zwei you had to own two Lobotomy Software-developed Saturn games, which would read each others save positions and unlock the game. Which was hidden on the Duke Nukem 3D disc. Or something along those lines. It was 11 years ago now and is quite hazy.




As one of what can only be several hundred people in the world to have played the ultra-lost lost classic created by mid-90s genius developer Lobotomy, we can indeed confirm Death Tank as one of history's greats. It rocked, that much we do remember.




Multiplayer perfection. If you're not old enough to remember it, consider yourself lucky you get to experience it for the first time. Playing Death Tank for the first time is as thrilling as watching Total Recall or The Terminator for the first time, you lucky youths.

WHERE DID WE STEAL THIS NEWS AND THOSE PICTURES FROM?

News stolen from here.

Pictures stolen from here.

Sorry about that. Sorry to the organisers who sent us emails about Summer of Sonic that we didn't bother replying to. Sorry to Richard Jacques, who didn't get to spend an afternoon on edge, wondering if we were there with a marker pen, waiting for the right moment to get him to sign parts of our bodies. Or a gun.

And sorry most of all to you, dear readers, as you now have to suffer the humiliation of letting Adam 'What does Kikizo mean?' Doree tell you all about something to do with SEGA, like he's the king of SEGA.




"Since Gary could not make it to the Summer of Sonic fan event in Covent Garden today, I fulfilled my duty as staunch UKR supporter and strolled down to the Dragon Hall venue they'd hired for the day."




"I turned up very late, since I was in bed most of the day, and as a result I missed performances by Richard Jacques and TJ Lewis (Sonic R vocals girl) which was a shame as I'd been looking forward to that."




"However, organiser Svend Joscelyne of Sonic Stadium told me there'll be videos of everything available shortly. They had other guest appearances too, like a dude who draws all the artwork in the comics."




"The event was impressively well organised and there was a huge turnout of die-hard Sonic fans. Some fans came from as far as USA and Australia. They were all well into it, but some were uber-fans, like a girl named Tru, 24, who dressed very convincingly as Dr Robotnik, and others who were brought to tears by the emotion of it all. I heard one Sonic admirer say, 'best time of my life'. Serious stuff here guys."




"The event was supported by some sort of community manager from Sega Europe and there were shitloads of prizes and stuff plus some nice artwork for upcoming Sonic games around the place."




"As someone who still likes Sega, it was nice for me to see how people do still love Sonic in a big way. I mean, I could tell you most things about Sonic, but these guys are on a different level of fandom."




"Regarding my photos, you will have to forgive the poor quality. Having lost my superior 4-year-old Sony DSC P100 recently, I've literally just got this slim DSC 70 which looks the absolute business, but takes awful, camera phone-quality photos. This is the first time I used it 'in the field' so it has taught me I need another camera sharpish before Leipzig comes up" - Adam Doree.




Thanks, Adam. Your report was 10000 times more enthusiastic that we would've managed. We probably would've equated it to a disco at a special school, for example.




Shame to miss this, though. That's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Less than 24 hours into the job and we see our first PR disaster. She was clearly lured into it by a photographer innocently suggesting a few "action shots." Poor thing. So much to learn about our world.




We believe the kids would say something along the lines of "WTF?"




As promised, here are some hi-res versions so you can analyse her skin texture. This shot has a pleasingly amateur feel.




You can make out where the tendons join the bone.




Hopefully this will conclude our coverage, as we're already bored of looking at her piggy face.

Finally. The in-house casting sessions at Eidos have finished, the sofa has been wiped down, and here she is. Alison Carroll - the new woman that's going to be whored to oblivion in the name of this year's Tomb Raider game.




Initial impressions: A meaty Posh Spice. Adequate. That lens flare effect is totally uncalled for. We are yet to be supplied with hi-res versions for skin texture analysis.




More information, including the tantalising and Nuts/Zoo reader-pleasing news that she's "single and having fun" here.




Hit up Facebook, MySpace, Bebo and all the rest. Incriminating photos of her early years MUST be found.

Another item to put on the boring presents list. THEY will think it's a rubbish gift but will also be pleased that it's quite cheap. YOU, however, will always smile when disposing of a stained pair of underpants within its Dreamcast-alike walls.




"I was looking around my local B+M store (a sort of upmarket Poundland) and came across the incredible SEGA logo'd laundry basket. Yet another portent for DC2. I quickly took a snap with my outdated Lobster TV phone for the delectation of SEGA fans everywhere. I've also got a picture of a Dreamcast disc holder if you are interested (ironic considering how prevalent piracy became with it). I bought it at the same time as Legacy of Kain and Rainbow Six for the DC at a Dixons clear out - Chris."

Labels: DREAMCAST LOGO IN REAL LIFE

Another seven days, another what seems like 700,000 updates about borderline mediocre video games and gadgets we're about as likely to buy as impress Gemma Atkinson with out witty small talk. INCLUDING:

This thing about an UNSPEAKABLY HORRID Star Wars-themed wedding. We pretended it looked cool at the time, because you can't go slagging off people's wedding photos so close to the big day.

This thing about putting Vista on a PS3 as something meaningful to do with both bloated pieces of shit.

This thing about another rubbish game we now find ourselves in the unfortunate position of having to pretend to like for at least the next 18 months.

This thing about IKEA launching a phone service. Its online helper isn't very good at cybersex.

This thing about offensive Sony Ericsson product placement.

This thing about pork scratchings promotional photography, because you can't not use pictures like this when they come along:

Not bad, considering the novelty wore off back in January. 6/10.