We've seen it all now.




The one in the red top is Bungie's receptionist. The one further down the line is their human resources woman. They were drafted in to glam things up a bit. It's the only logical explanation.

Never before has the word "fair" been so inappropriately used. A room full of men in suits is not a fair. The Game Career Fair was a sort of recruitment drive that ran as part of the very worthy London Games Festival last week, which we fortunately managed to avoid being any part of.

At least two people went to the Career Fair, though, as they sent us photos of some amazing SEGA items that SEGA was giving away to lure people into its clutches.




ATTENDEE 1: "I went down to London today to go to the Games Careers Festival in Whitechapel (what a shit-hole, btw) in a vain attempt to get a job within the games industry. I failed, but the blow was softened by the SEGA stand and their goody bag. After dodging the freaky guy presenting at the stand I managed to take a few bags while they weren't looking and inside was some cool shit. Well a crappy booklet, a SEGA logo sticker and two sweets!"




"The highlight is the sweets. Very cool. I wanna try one but I'd rather hold onto them and send them to you guys in a few years. Hell, maybe they'll become a collectors item. Oh, and sorry about the quality of the photos. I know you love the high-res stuff, but these were taken using my EyeToy. At least it gives you another reason to hate on Sony for its crappy EyeToy picture quality. Anyway, Cheers for reading - URBANmonkey (Richard Harrison). Put both as the source so my mates will know its me and how famous I'll be if I make it onto UK:R!"




ATTENDEE 2: "Recently went the Game Career Fair. SEGA kinda have a crap showing in the UK but fancy freebies, so I took some photos. I have the super-hi-res versions if that's what you're into. Incidentally, the guy I spoke to at Team 17 definitely had to be drunk... I could smell it - Pyrii."




It is UTTERLY BEWILDERING that SEGA has a brand of sweets, yet not one of these sweets - let alone the HUGE BAG we deserve - have made their way to UKR headquarters.

We have received DEVASTATING NEWS. The Mega Drive had Sony processors inside it. This is like a virus that runs back through time, erasing all our happy memories of SEGA's defining machine.

If UKR gradually fades from existence over the coming days, it is the retro-active effect of this horrifying news corrupting the time stream and making our young selves side with Nintendo.




FROM THE OWNER: "I found this Generation 2 Sega Genesis at a Goodwill here in south Florida for 3.99, I bought it, but, alas, it did not work. Recently I decided to crack it open and see if I could find what ails it. Unfortunately, I have discovered that SEGA has been betraying us for all these years!"




There it is. That's the little SHIT. Rip it out! It probably only does something really useless, like make the machine break after 12 years.




"Here is why I blame the chip for my system's death. The area around the chip was the only part covered in this orange slime, seen there after I wiped it up. Here is a dramatic shot of the Sony death slime in front of a once proud system - Matt."

These are the official photos from the video game BAFTA awards that took place a couple of days ago. The photos are mostly of the event's celebrity guests, rather than anything to do with the actual video games or the game makers.

If BAFTA's still this embarrassed about video gaming, perhaps it ought to just give up on the whole thing?




This is Athlete. They are someone at BAFTA's favourite band, despite churning out really dull electro dirge.




That's Charlie Simpson from Busted, although his press people would prefer it if he was called Charlie Simpson from Fightstar.




Not only do we know lots about youth culture and pop music as illustrated by the above two captions, we can also recognise Dom Jolly from off the telly.




Obviously we have selectively edited the material. BAFTA sent out 9 photos of game developers and publishers, compared to 11 photos of celebrity guests. Three of the developer shots were of Will Wright, though, so technically there were only 7 game pics.




That's Gareth Gates, who hasn't got much to do these days other than sit at home playing Miles' Football Manager.




Men from Hollyoaks. The one on the left got to kiss a quite pretty girl for a while, but then she tried to murder him. The one on the right is the gormless one who's unlucky in love and only gets rubbish comedy storylines about ill-fated business ventures.




Peter Serafinowicz, who is quite popular at the moment with people who have the ability to laugh at other peoples jokes.




Uh-oh. Dom Jolly has resorted to a "comedic point." His career is over.




This is Remi Nicole. We will be honest and say we have no idea who she is, plus she's not pretty enough to bother Googling to find out.




Vic Reeves. Not currently developing anything for Xbox Live Arcade as far as we are aware.




Vicki Butler Henderson. We have supplied this image in clickable high-resolution, just in case you want to analyse her in close-up detail. We are hopeful this will result in significant Google traffic.




And this is why BAFTA mostly sent out celebrity photos.

It may have escaped your attention that UKR is notionally part of a "network" - a network we intend to drag down by inserting worryingly odd sex references into updates about Bluetooth headsets and placing inappropriate wanking terminology into posts about the politics of social networking.

These are some of the posts we have written for other parts of "the network" this week. They are of varying quality.

This thing about a waterproof TV with plenty of thinly-veiled references to masturbating in hotel bathrooms.

This thing which was just an excuse to Google Jade Raymond on work time.

This thing where "The Church" says Sony is shit.

This thing about Nintendo "hoodies."

And this thing where we tried to introduce the readers of Xboxer.tv to the joys of Asian product holding.

If anyone has any suggestions about wanking themes to include in future serious posts on "the network" you know how to get in touch.

Now we're no business experts, but we're pretty sure phrases like "operating loss increased" and "PS3-related inventory write-downs" can only mean good times are ahead for all haters of Sony's gaming division.

"Meanwhile, Sony posted a wider operating loss in the Game segment of 96.7 billion yen or $841 million from loss of 43.5 billion yen in the prior year, primarily due to the loss arising from strategic pricing of PS3 at points lower than its production cost. The higher PS3-related inventory write-downs also affected the results negatively" - Global Business News.

Of course, total revenue was up thanks to selling PS3 at a loss. But even our shrivelled business brains can tell that's not a sustainable plan "going forwards."

There is nothing glamorous about the video games industry.




Even when crying and trying to sleep the day over there is someone taking photos of her from behind. Fortunately, we don't feel pity or remorse. Just a curiosity about if she's wearing tights or just has weird feet.

A man took some of the coins home with him from the SEGA arcade in the Trocadero. We're not sure if that's allowed. He sent in some quite poor and blurry photos of them, and this, believe it or not, is actually the most in focus one:




The submitter put them up on eBay for charity. Only that was a few months ago now. Sorry about that.

HE ALSO SENT IN A VERY LONG-WINDED ACCOMPANYING LIFE STORY:
"When I was 8, my father who was absent since birth (he literally legged it the moment I was born. Classy, eh?) reappeared, saying he wanted to get to know his son. He actually wanted to get intimate with my mother's bank details, as he had run into a spot of bother with a loan shark - seeing as I haven't heard from him in over a decade, I can only hope he's resting in pieces along the side of a motorway.

"Anyway, in order to prove he's turned a new leaf, he took me on a day out to Segaworld, at the Trocadero Centre. I can remember it was all actually quite fun, especially that CGI roller coaster ride thing they had going on. After a long day eating greasy overpriced food, various arcade games, and spunking a shitload of money on those games that give you tickets and exchanging them for two bouncy balls, we headed home. It was only during the huge argument between my parents in the kitchen that I discovered these two tokens in my pocket. I can't remember what they were used for, though.

"It isn't too clear on the photo (seeing as it was taken with a digital camera from back in the days of 128MB MP3 players), but the tokens have started to rust. I think it makes it look pretty cool though, almost like it's currency from a long lost civilisation, except that they're as worthless now as they were then - Kimini."

That email reminded us of these images, which have been sitting here, in a folder, for over a year.




We have lost the email and accompanying story, but the folder was called 'Sega Sydney' so these must be tokens from SEGA World in Sydney from before it closed.




Sensational macro photography. These photos really deserved better than being stuck on the end of someone else's boring sob story.

We are nothing if not always last with the hot game news.




This photo is only meant as an introduction to the one coming next...




Magnificent! We can only assume this is a German celebrity who put in a brief appearance on the Sony stand at Leipzig. Can a German confirm this, please?

A couple of weeks ago we made the massive error of mentioning cosplay. This meant that all the people who think cosplay is socially acceptable emailed us stuff in the hope of being our friends.

Like Gordon here. We assume this is Gordon. Gordon found this NiGHTS thing while walking around TGS. Bloody show off.




FROM GORDON: "Walking around TGS I saw this lady and thought you might appreciate a picture of her. I know how lazy you are so I've sent you 2 versions. One full size the other resized to fit the site. I didn't bother playing the game since it's on the wii and, as everyone knows, the Wii is for kids, paedos and old people. Enjoy the free update - Gordon."


THEN WE GOT SOME MORE FROM A NICE GERMAN MAN
He's called Henning. We asked Henning if it was okay to put these photos up on the internet, as we're nice like that behind the scenes. Henning said yes, and that he asked the girls if it was okay to put the photos on the internet and they said yes. So you (we) don't have to feel any way guilty about this.












FROM HENNING: "I am a regular visitor of you website. I'm from Germany, where we have an anime and Japanese video game convention called "Animagic". Since you seem to like SEGA Space Channel 5 cosplay, I have included several pictures of a German Ulala and friends in this email. Greetings! - Henning"

Blood everywhere! The blood of the arrogant! PlayStation3 had the biggest hammering of its entirely hammering-based lifetime last month, as Xbox 360 and Wii both outsold the overpriced HD shitbox by FOUR TIMES.

Even if the magical price cut and introduction of an even worse version of the hardware boosts sales by, say, 178 percent, it'll still be LAST BY A FUCKING MILE. JOY OF JOYS! TYRANNY HAS ENDED!

AMERICAN HARDWARE SALES FIGURES FOR SEPTEMBER 2007

360: 527,000
Wii: 501,000
DS: 495,000
PSP: 284,000
PS2: 215,000
PS3: 119,000
GBA: 75,000

Sony will finish in third place this console generation, beaten by a PC that breaks all the time and a child's toy. The mighty have fallen - TO DEATH!

Ulala in a tennis costume. Ulala playing Sonic. Developed by Sumo Digital. Not only coming to Wii. We are deliberately not using any exclamation marks here as we'd just get carried away. And we're saving them for the screenshot of Ulala.




Sky. Grass. SEGA. It is the summer of 1992 again!




A 3D Sonic we actually don't mind.




Ulala!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She'll be at a significant disadvantage wearing those shoes.




No famous old brand left untouched.




Please god let there be a very adjustable camera angle for surveying all of Ulala's very lovely parts.

BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES!

SEGA LEGENDS SET TO SERVE UP AN ACE IN THE WACKY SEGA SUPERSTARS(tm) TENNIS!

LONDON & SAN FRANCISCO (Oct 18, 2007) - SEGA Europe Ltd. and SEGA of America, Inc. today announced SEGA Superstars(tm) Tennis, a game that brings together some of the most treasured and well known characters from the SEGA universe, in some of the most unusual courts and outrageous settings ever imagined. Developed by Sumo Digital Ltd., SEGA Superstars Tennis will be released on the Sony PlayStation(r) 3 computer entertainment system, Sony PlayStation 2, the Xbox 360(tm) video game and entertainment system from Microsoft, and Nintendo Wii and DS, all hitting shelves early in 2008.

SEGA Superstars Tennis has over 15 playable SEGA idols including Sonic the Hedgehog, AiAi from Super Monkeyball fame, Ulala of Space Channel 5 and Amigo from Samba De Amigo. In addition to their own unique attributes, each character will also come equipped with their own superstar tennis skills, putting a whole new spin on each match played!

Exhibition mode offers the chance to challenge Sonic, or the character or your choice, to a match on one of many courts, including Sonic's home court of Green Hill Zone, or Amigo's Carnival Park court. Wherever you play there will be a host of SEGA celebrities cheering you on from courtside and by partaking in crazy doubles matches with your choice of partner, you could end up playing against some pretty unusual couples! Prove your SEGA hero is the shining star of SEGA Superstars Tennis by collecting silverware in the Tournament Mode. There will also be the opportunity to unlock a host of exciting extras which will be announced in the near future!

Complementing the Exhibition and Tournament modes, there will also be new and innovative ways of enjoying some of SEGA's classic titles, plus platform exclusive ways to play the game, including online modes for X360 and PS3 versions!

"SEGA Superstars Tennis has the potential to be one of the most fun and accessible sports games ever." commented Gary Knight, European Marketing Director. "The fantastic Sumo Digital team has had access to a wealth of SEGA IP and you'll be surprised at the gaming icons that will be making an appearance!"

Available on the Sony PlayStation(r) 3 computer entertainment system, Sony PlayStation 2, the Xbox 360(tm) video game and entertainment system from Microsoft, and Nintendo Wii and DS, SEGA Superstars Tennis will release in early 2008.

This one really is the greatest. All those other ones we've done are now considered rubbish in hindsight. This is the Mona Lisa of Sonic art. Look into the eyes of those poor bunnies and feel their pain and anguish at the destruction of their beautiful world. The tears are coming again. The tears never really stopped.

SONIC DESKTOP #5: "YOU CAN'T STOP ME THIS TIME, SONIC!"




Beautiful! Best so far. Again, we can only apologise on behalf of SEGA Japan for the unfortunate 'portrait' orientation of the original material. They just didn't plan ahead to the time, 15 years later, when their suffering fans would want to put this shit on their widescreen monitors.




And as has become traditional, someone took the last one and made it a bit better. He's rounded off and extended the claws. It is apparently "inspired by the cover art for the album 'Virgin Killer' by The Scorpions."




And we got this one from "Chris". Seems a bit mean, but that's the internet for you. He said he bought a t-shirt from us so we sort of have to use it.

PREVIOUSLY, ON GREATEST SONIC DESKTOPS:

"SAFE LANDING FROM ROBO CHAOS ZONE!"

"UNDERWATER CRISIS!"

"I'M COMING TO GET YA!"

"MUST... KILL... SONIC THE HEDGEHOG!"

And he also has some very cheap tracksuit trousers. And he looks like he's on day release from some sort of special safe house for special people. If you are currently wearing any sort of video game merchandise, take it off and burn it in the garden now. Because this is what you look like.




EYE WITNESS: "I followed this man through the Wellington TranzMetro service here in New Zealand in order to get a shot of his fantabulous backpack. It took me a while to get it because I was also photographing ladies' breasts in order to balance out my sexuality quotient for stalking a man and taking a "candid" shot of him. I hope he wears his socks like that in order to look like the white bands around Sonic's ankles. I later spotted him and his friend looking at red shoes in a shoe shop. I dream that he will later be seeing running around Wellington waterfront with blue hair streaking in the wind - Chris."

Emily is (predictably) working for Nuts TV. Here she is doing things to a robot .

So, PS3 sales are up 178%. Amazing. Except that when you start being given percentage figures instead of actual sales figures you know someone is trying to hide something. You see, in the previous week PS3 only sold a measley 6700 machines. 20,000 less than the 360, so despite the increase it is still falling short by a long measure, shifting only about 18000 units. What's worse for Sony, is that nearly 90% of those sales were for the soon-to-be-discontinued 60GB backwards-compatible version. That is REALLY bad news for the senior executive that thought the public would want to buy a Chavtastic Gimped machine. In summary, PS3 = Fucked. Move along now.

Japan. Land of the humorous mistranslation. These photos come from the SegaWorld in Koriyama, Japan, where a sensationally poor collection of Sonic The hedgehog poetry adorns the walls. In the legendary writings, Tails is referred to as "spunkiest" - yet more evidence of his much-rumoured homosexuality.




"I'm sending you a few extra pics to give it some context... Like the crap picture I took of the outside of it by day - the reason the picture is so shit is because I'm on a bike and there's a motorway in between me and SegaWorld and I'm not sure if I'll be capable of getting any closer than this."




"Thankfully, I do, and what a place it is! There's lots of UFO Catchers full of Stitch. My pride tells me that this shouldn't really be allowed in a Sega establishment, but something else catches my eye..."




"Amazing Sonic poetry. Complete with spelling mistakes."




"And there's more - Tails' own tribute seems to have been censored by the light fitting."




"Amy's tribute was actually quite enlightening, since as far as I know, she was only in Sonic CD which I never played. Now at least, I know she's a 'togh cookie'."





"As for the rest of the 'World', it mostly contained Virtua Fighter 5 cabs, an old Jurassic Park, a beautiful selection of 40p-per-play Afterburner Climax cabs and a 'Let's go Jungle' cab which was surprisingly decent although one of the fire buttons was a bit broken. There was also some sort of weird Fantasy Zone game that involved shooting things on a carousel, which pleased the SEGA fan in me, but evidently not enough to make me play it."




"The upstairs, predictably enough, was all pachinko machines and horse racing simulators that you could gamble on."




"As I left, I went into the used book store next door and bought some used Dreamcast games. And then had a burger."




"All in all, a reasonably good day. 7/10 - Tom."