A rival SEGA arcade photographer has risen to yesterday's not-challenge pictorial update and sent us a stupidly high-resolution (2304 x 3072!) photo of the Tokyo Akihabara Club SEGA.

He says: "By the way, the Sega World in Nara was rubbish. The ground level was only crane machines and the upper level was pachinko. And some strange shooter where you had to pay money for each bullet".




Seeing as all our readers seem to have been to Japan at some point or another, this probably isn't news to most of you. You probably all have similar photos, in among your pictures of boring temples you thought you should waste a day going to see and those stupid trees with flowers on they have over there. And one you took of your dinner one night. And a train. And a blurry one of some schoolgirls you tried to take without anyone seeing.




Has anyone else got any photos of Japanese SEGA Worlds? Or, more importantly, a camera that can take photos in a higher resolution than 2304 x 3072? What we'd really like is an email containing both, plus a criticism of the Akihabara Club SEGA for balance. Or just 125 pics of schoolgirls as it's Christmas.

Labels: GONZO

This is a simple pictorial update for people who are in diabetic comas from over-exposure to Cadbury Celebrations, and can now only manage to disinterestedly observe colourful images projected in front of their faces:




Nice, but we get irrationally angry at seeing the photos today's cameras output. There's just no need for a photo to be 2288 x 1712 pixels big. Not even in porn.

Labels: GONZO

And it is Animal Crossing Wild World. Any web sites that do a top 20 or a top 50 are just going through the motions. There's not even any point doing a top ten or a top five. The other nine or four would be meaningless filler. We could pretend we like some other shit half as much as DS Animal Crossing, but you'd be able to tell. And we've been through too much together to start lying to each other now.




We were playing Animal Crossing when other people started playing it. We were playing it when those people then stopped playing it a few weeks later after not seeing what the fuss was about.




We were still playing it when those people started playing it again to see if they could work out why we were still playing it after a year.




We played it this morning and will play it again this evening. For reasons to do with turnips you probably won't understand. We have played it every day since last December - apart from, maybe, three or four days. That's not a stupid internet exaggeration either - you don't get an insect collection of this magnitude by only playing for a couple of minutes every now and again.




These are some of the hybrid flowers we have bred in the last year. This is just the tip of the iceberg.




This is a bit more of the iceberg, but still only the top part of it. We have THAT MANY hybrid flowers. This is not gay because it's only in a video game. Video games are not gay. Even ones that involve breeding and caring for flowers.




This is how much money we have in the bank. In Animal Crossing we are independently wealthy.




That's why gold-digging sluts like Marina live in our low-carbon-emitting super-town.




This is the main room of our massive house, or the Bridge as we call it. We have put on our Wesley Crusher uniform to show it off to its fullest potential. See that photo of KK Slider? You have to do the gaming equivalent of crawling 500 miles on broken glass using only your eyelid muscles to get that.




And there's still loads to do, even after a year. We haven't even seen let alone shot down Postman Pete thanks to his stupid anti-social working hours. We only have one of Gulliver's UFO items, the Modern furniture series is far from complete, and we're only half-way to Platinum membership of Tom Nook's Reward Scheme.




This is when the flying saucer crashed in our town. It was such an amazing event we had to take a photo of the screen. When has a game ever been so amazing you've had to take a photo of the screen to keep as a memento? NEVER BEFORE, that's when.




And Katie still hasn't sent us the Lovely Phone to put in the Lovely Room.




You know you're special when you get RARE ALTERNATE DIALOGUE sequences with one of the major characters.




We'd prefer it to contain a few more moments of double entendre, but there are still just about enough to make it worth 'following through' with.




This is how to make a snowman. This is mainly for our reference so that next year we can start off properly without the tiresome learning process of working out what size the balls need to be.




See? He loves it.




It's nice that he's a misogynistic snowman. We know full well that the snowmen come alive when the game is turned off and start harassing the female town inhabitants.




Got all those.




Got all those.




Got loads of these.




We left these acorns on the floor as a reminder of the good times had by all during the October Acorn Festival. Roll on October 2007!




Come back next year. We'll still be playing it. It's that good. And if you don't get it you can bugger off back to playing games about men shouting "HOLY SHIT" and shooting machine guns at each other with all the other 14-year-old morons.




The problem with giving Animal Crossing Wild World a number out of ten and placing it in the all-time lists is this - it's not much of a game. It doesn't test your skills. It's not like playing Quake III at the absolute limits of your gaming skills for hours on end. It's not like mastering Gradius V. It's not like getting to the last boss of Raiden on one credit or completing Hellfire using a third-party controller.




It's more like keeping a diary, or remembering to have breakfast.




Animal Crossing is just a simple little thing you have and do every day. It's like your kettle. It's not as exciting as your new LCD TV or your Sky+ box. It's simple, but you'd be fucked without it.




Animal Crossing Wild World: "Simple, but you'd be fucked without it" - 10/10, UK:Resistance Game of the Year By A Mile. Here's a review we wrote of it at the time and never got around to uploading.

A FREE PUBLIC SERVICE REVIEW OF ANIMAL CROSSING WILD WORLD FOR NINTENDO DS
This is a public service review. We don't often write reviews on the site for free, because they're a lot of words and a bit of a chore and then everyone disagrees with everything you say and calls you a cunt afterwards. But sometimes you have to tell people about a game because it's so great. Writing about good games for free is more fun than writing about shit games for money (not actually true, but sounds nice). This is one of those important times!

ANIMAL CROSSING WILD WORLD REVIEW
For Nintendo DS

Animal Crossing isn't a game. It's a career. A vocation, a mini alternative life. You could educate a child with it and it would turn out OK. It teaches you everything you need to know about the real world. It teaches you the importance of money, shows you the true value of patience, punishes you for lying, and when characters move out of your town it's an important lesson about the harsh realities of bereavement in adult life. Freckles is gone, Timothy, she's gone to another town very far away and she's never coming back.

It's not a game, it's a job. You HAVE to collect your fruit to begin with, else you can't afford the cool furniture. You HAVE to keep fishing, else you might miss a rare fish. You HAVE to collect all the fossils, fish and insects because something cool might happen when you do. Animal Crossing uses an enhanced version of the COLLECTEVERYTHING(TM) engine that Nintendogs used. It makes chores into games, giving you incentives to spend hours and hours doing nothing in the hope of finding one rare little thing no one else has got.




When we bought it we played it for an hour and a half in bed in the morning, we played it for an hour and a half in the afternoon, we played it for an hour and a half in the evening, then for an hour an a half in bed before going to bed. If anything that's an underestimate, because starting to play Animal Crossing is like stepping into a time machine where suddenly it's a huge amount of time in the future when you turn it off and look at the clock.

That's another reason why it's great. You can use it to fast forward your boring life. So anyway, we played it for six hours a day (minimum) for the first few weeks of having it. Some of those six-hour periods were spent fishing. Just fishing. Fishing, then running to the shop to sell them, or to the Museum to donate any rare ones we caught. The game keeps a list of all the fish you've caught, which is one of numerous mini, incidental challenges you have to complete. In your own time and whenever you like. We're now down to about three 15-minute periods of play a day, which is much more manageable.



Animal Crossing really suits the handheld. You can play it for ten minutes in the morning, a bit at lunch time and switch it on in the evening for a proper play. It's why Wild World is such a perfect game. We do all our farming/shopping chores in the morning on the train to work instead of reading about war in a newspaper, then spend the evening having fun instead of watching war on the news. And wi-fi play lets you do it all in another town, with the added excitement of random router crashes to keep everyone on edge. It's the perfect game and it suits DS to a tee. 10/10, again.

ABOUT THE ABOVE REVIEW:
We're releasing this review under the GNU Free Documentation License, so if you want to run a review of Animal Crossing Wild World on your web site, blog or student magazine, feel free to use this copy and put your name on it. It's free for everyone to reproduce! We're doing this out of love.

WHAT SCORE TO GIVE IT:
If your web site, blog or magazine scores games out of 5 give it 5/5. If you score things out of 10 give it 10/10. If you use the archaic percentage system give it 97 percent because anything more than that makes you look stupid like those American magazines who give games 100 percent. Nothing's ever 100 percent you pricks.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

And the above fact is this - OFFICIAL. Scroll down and read the press release. It's all in there, plus it's arriving on Xbox 360 in "late summer" which means PS3's Reason To Exist List has just got massively shorter - ie, it's gone from having one game on it to having no games on it.




While VF5 coming to Xbox 360 isn't quite as great as SEGA saying VF5 is coming to a new SEGA console it's making especially for Virtua Fighter (ie, the Saturn), it still means we don't have to even think about maybe getting a PS3 just for VF5 any more. And neither do you. Or anyone else!




The money we save on not having to buy a PS3 just for VF5 can now be reinvested in SEGA plush toys. We'll even be able to afford a SUPER R@RE MINT WITH TAG Mecha Sonic now. And another Cream The Rabbit, to replace the one we've worn the arse out of.




You could Photoshop Ken Kutaragi's head onto Pai's body for a hilarious joke to post on a video game forum! A speech bubble from Sarah Bryant could be something about her causing 'massive damage'! We have tears in our eyes just thinking about the potential for hilarity this news has unleashed.




Here's one we made in literally two minutes. The purple circle is meant to be a black eye. We are not artists.




These are just PS3 screenshots we got off the internet, so don't get too excited too quickly. VF5 won't be out on Xbox 360 until a few months after PS3 - that's what "system exclusive" means these days. The press release says "late summer" for the Xbox 360 version, so that's only a few more months for the freetrade alternative to the evil PS3 game.




We are all winners thanks to PS3's upcoming defeat. This also means SEGA's been working on Xbox 360 VF5 for quite some time. There has therefore been a small amount of "smoke and mirrors" surrounding its development.




You have no idea how relieved we feel right now. It's like emerging from the bathroom having had a gigantic poo AND a wank AND the first shower in three days. Now we feel light and envigourated and clean and whole and invincible. Thanks, SEGA.

THE OFFICIAL THING ABOUT XBOX 360 VF5 FROM SEGA, SO YOU KNOW WE'RE NOT JUST ALREADY DRUNK FOR CHRISTMAS AND MAKING THINGS UP:

SEGA ANNOUNCES VIRTUA FIGHTER 5 FOR XBOX 360

Premiere Fighting Game Franchise Makes First Appearance on Microsoft’s Next Generation Videogame Console

SAN FRANCISCO & LONDON (December 21, 2006) – SEGA of America, Inc. and SEGA Europe Ltd. today announced that the highly anticipated arcade fighting game, Virtua Fighter 5, will make its way onto the Xbox 360 video game and entertainment system. Virtua Fighter 5 is scheduled for release on Xbox 360 in North America and in Europe during late summer 2007. The game will also be available for the PLAYSTATION3 computer entertainment system on February 20th, 2007 in North America and will be available in Europe simultaneously with the system’s launch in March 2007.

"Those people lucky enough to have already played Virtua Fighter 5 will know that it's laid the foundations to become the clear benchmark for fighting games on all next generation consoles", said Matt Woodley, Creative Director, SEGA Publishing Europe Ltd. "Bringing Virtua Fighter 5 to the Xbox 360 offers us a platform with power to handle the astonishing visuals, the complex and varied fighting styles of all the customisable characters and will undoubtedly put Virtua Fighter 5 into the hands of a gaming audience craving for a highly polished and credible fighting game."

Virtua Fighter 5 features beautifully detailed stages from around the world where players face off in fast-moving martial arts battles against one of 17 characters. Two lively new characters join the elite group of fighters, adding two new unique fighting styles for players to try and master. With more skill and strategy than ever before, players are also given the opportunity to learn and employ the new "Offensive Move" technique to take down their opponents from different angles, adding a new dimension to the game and something for both new and old fans to master. Virtua Fighter 5 also includes the ability to customise characters by selecting from four base costumes and a wide range of unlockable accessories and earnable items. As players win more tournaments they will not only earn costumes and accessories, but also prizes and in-game money that will allow them to buy items from the in-game shop.

"The Virtua Fighter series from SEGA has one of the most prestigious histories in video games," said Jeff Bell, corporate vice president of global marketing for the Interactive Entertainment Business at Microsoft. "It's a franchise that has grown an army of loyal fans both in arcades and on consoles worldwide, and is consistently rated extremely high by the media. Fighting game fans have been hungry for Virtua Fighter 5 and we can now proudly deliver this game with SEGA to Xbox 360 gamers around the world."

Developed by the highly renowned Tokyo based development team, AM R&D Development No.2, Virtua Fighter 5 for the Xbox 360 will be available across Europe and North America during late summer 2007.

"PlayStation3 is totally fucked now. Even hardcore gamers don't need it for any reason at all. This is SEGA's ULTIMATE REVENGE" added UK:Resistance, in a small footnote at the bottom of the press release that definitely wasn't sent out with the proper press release.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

We love the internet. It never forgets. And it doesn't feel pity. Or remorse.




Those PAL machines must really be piling up by now! Sony will have about 25 million ready for the European launch!

HA HA HA HA HA ETC
Next Generation - Report: First PS3s Made for Europe

Labels: LIES

We're really dragging this out. You're getting one a week, and you'd better be grateful. We expect emails of thanks. At least 50 a day, and half of them had better be from girls. Maybe we'll do two over Christmas, as that means we can have a day off trying to think of something to do.

SONIC DESKTOP #2: SAFE LANDING FROM ROBO CHAOS ZONE!




Click on it for the full-size original. Enjoy the beauty of art that just doesn't get made any more, and that hasn't got soldiers in.

READER SUBMITTED ALTERATIONS:
A reader 'hacked' our last Sonic desktop image to create these nice cut-out versions with lots of blank space for lining up icons in. They're quite nice, and we're hoping he does the same with today's update:




1920 x 1200 widescreen




1600 x 1200 non-widescreen

Labels: DESKTOP IMAGES (IRONIC/NON-IRONIC)

This is bound to come in handy next March:

"We're still on schedule to launch PS3 in March throughout the PAL territories" - David Reeves, Sony Computer Entertainment Europe.




We will be checking the internet every day to see if this remains the case, Dave. And anything less than 50,000 units doesn't count as a launch, either.

Labels: LIES

This will save Sony from its PSP hell! It's called Pocket Pool, which is (a) a new PSP pool game and (b) a euphamism for wanking:




Pocket Pool has a "provocative adult theme" which means you unlock photos of women as you play. Here are some more photos of the women in it. These are relevant to our 'remit' because they are from a game.












The photos have been taken by "the web's premier glamour photographer" who is a man called J. Stephen Hicks, apparently. Maybe the sequel will use Max Hardcore.










There's also 13 pool games to not know the rules of, like 9 ball, 8 ball, Rotation, Black Jack and, oh, one we know the rules of called Snooker.








There's also 20 video clips of these women to unlock and look at. That's it, really. Here are a few more photos:








Isn't that nice? It's out in January, by which time PSP might have sold another couple of hundred units thanks to Sony's incredible online marketing campaign that's really winning over the gaming community right now.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM