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TOKYO GAME SHOW HERALDS PS3 SHIT STORM
The PlayStation3 hype rollercoaster has just rolled over the top of the high point and is now crashing downwards at full speed. It's like 1995 and 1999 all over again. We've been here before. All you have to do now is not listen to anything or look at the internet for six months and it will all have passed.


Ninja Gaiden Sigma on PS3 :(

The Tokyo Game Show has just happened. Lots of bad news was said at it. Like when Tecmo said Ninja Gaiden, which is the best game ever even including Sonic The Hedgehog, was going to be on PlayStation3.


Ninja Gaiden Sigma on PS3 :((((((

Not only is Ninja Gaiden going to PS3, it's also got playable Rachel in it. This is as disastrous as a plane full of anthrax crashing into your house three minutes before you were scheduled to lose your virginity to Cheryl Tweedy and evil clone Cheryl Tweedy.


VF5 - not looking very rubbish at all

Then we saw some more screenshots of Virtua Fighter 5. We thought about saying Wolf's chest looks a bit lumpy on his right-hand side there, but we'd just be lying to ourselves. This looks amazing, and is therefore as disastrous as going on a long drive and realising you forgot all your CDs but it's OK as your girlfriend remembered to bring her Snow Patrol B-sides collection.


Devil May Cry 4 - not looking shite

Then we saw screenshots of Devil May Cry 4. We momentarily laughed because Devil May Cry isn't as good as Ninja Gaiden and Tecmo said that Ninja Gaiden would NEVER... and so the dark sadness fell again.


Heavenly Sword - we can't nitpick really

Then there was Heavenly Sword. We thought about pointing out that the bloke's hand is a bit square and his fingers are rubbish, and maybe saying Heavenly Sword has "set video game hands back 15 years" but that would seem like clutching at straws. And we've clutched at our straws so much they're perfectly flat and the plastic has melted together from our angry body heat. They're not even straws any more, they're McDonalds tea stirrers now.


Gran Turismo 'HD'

At least Gran Turismo "HD" looked awful still. So that was the Tokyo Game Show. A few PS3 games looked OK which is bad, but the plus side is that everyone's still laughing at Sony for slashing the price of PS3 and changing the spec because it HASN'T GOT A CLUE what it's doing despite having been doing this for a decade. So it's kind of OK but not really OK. It's OK. We'll be OK. And remember, the press release that's coming in November and March about PS3 being "the fastest-selling console in history" has already been written, and the reason it sold out is because they only made 12.


THINGS WE'VE BEEN SAYING TO OURSELVES RECENTLY
1. We don't want to play Metal Gear Solid 4 anyway

2. The Virtua Fighter series peaked with VF3

3. Rachel's tits aren't that amazing they're worth spending 500 quid on rotating a camera around

4. We can't keep this up for another five years.
Posted by Cmdr_Zorg 2:59:00 pm