In which nasty stupid children and parents blame everything on video games instead of, say, them being morons. It features such amazing lies as "kids don't go to school any more" and "it's more damaging than any chemical addiction" - and that's just in the first 50 seconds!




Amazingly, this was a proper TV show that went out on proper TV in the UK, not just a joke some disabled-looking fat people put together for YouTube. Poor old Sir Trevor McDonald used to present proper news, not just made-up rubbish for morons like this.




The only thing we'd trust that kid's mum to be in charge of is selling us some chips and a burger at 3.30am, and maybe cleaning our house, but only if we were there to make sure she didn't steal anything to fund the buying of whatever it is she's injecting.




In this one, some fat weirdo says he used to wee in a bottle while playing Xbox 360 and PS2 and Gamecube so he didn't have to stop playing. He had a chair with wheels on so he could switch between the three consoles! That's a great idea! We must get one of these 'chairs with wheels'.




In this one a woman says her kid went paranoid and mad because of a game and then killed himself. That's madness. It's OK to kill yourself over something important like postings on an internet forum, but not over something as trivial as a video game.




This was on TV two weeks ago, so we're really pleased with the speed in which we've turned this update around.




It carries on for half an hour. The above is the whole first ten minutes. Oh, and it would appear we are becoming one of those web sites that's just a huge list of links to YouTube videos.




This is the second ten minutes.




This is the final 2.35 minutes. YouTube won't let you do more than ten minutes at a time. It might get taken down when ITV sees it on there, so don't blame us if the link's broken when you're reading this in 2009. The joke's on us though, as we'll be in jail after being made an example of by the copyright police.

EMERGENCY LOW-RES BACK-UP
When ITV does find out and makes YouTube take it all down because it's copyrighted material for which we don't own the rights or have permission from the owner to use, you can download the full file here. It's 27MB, so don't download it just for fun, else our internet will run out. We're not a cash-burning internet start-up, you know.

Instead of, like before, playing it in secret with the curtains closed and the music down really low and a cushion in front of the *gaming device* we had to use to play it on:



Hopefully out on Xbox 360 before the end of the year, though they'd better not go pulling any of that 'microtransaction shit' on us. And don't let the Americans be in charge of all the music, either.

Labels: ENTHUSIASM

Here we go then! We're not there, but it's still exciting to imagine.

17.58pm It's about to start!

18.00pm It's probably a bit late starting!

18.05pm It's probably started!

18.08pm Peter Moore is probably saying something about how great a start it's been for Xbox 360. Maybe he will take a sly sideswipe at PS3, while subtly advocating Nintendo Wii!

18.10pm The crowd is probably getting a bit bored now, and just wishing they'd show a trailer of Halo 3 or DoA Xtreme 2, instead of talking about how many people downloaded Cloning Clyde.

18.18pm If we were there, we'd be hoping some dancing girls dressed like Ulala take to the stage to herald the immediate availability of Space Channel 5 Part 3 on Xbox Live Arcade.

18.25pm At this point in procedings we tend to look down at our dictaphone to see that it has stopped recording. Or we forgot to start it recording in the first place. Oh well, we can always just rewrite everything from Eurogamer tomorrow.

18.32pm At this point we might have summoned up the courage to take a photograph!

18.40pm 40 minutes in, all the girls in the room should have been neatly categorised and given scores out of ten. This is always the most important part of any event.

18.50pm It's probably about to finish.

18.57pm It's probably finished! Time to head off to whatever event they have planned and be the most drunk person by miles within 30 minutes.

Phew! That's that over with for another year.

Obviously we didn't go to the Tokyo Game Show, due to not being important, respected, liked, trusted, influential, reliable, popular or responsible enough. But we did the next best thing - we got someone who was going to take photos of all the identical little Japanese girl things!

As ever, we expected to get back maybe three unusable blurry photos taken from too far away using the most fashionable and very latest mobile phones. But no! Our 'anonymous source' totally delivered, saying he "felt like a right dirty old man at first but everyone's at it" and that "they're very forthcoming and don't mind posing at all. Especially the cosplayers. They just love showing off and flashing their bits for the camera".

Here's the meat:




If you think we're writing captions for 68 photos of girls with all the same smile you can go melon farm yourselves.














Six pictures in and the winner has already been revealed. You can go back to NewsNow or Kotaku, or wherever it was you clicked on this link.






We'd like to make a deposit in that lovely, soft bank.










If you click on these pictures you should be able to see a bigger version. We say should, as there's no way we're bothering to check that 68 links work.




Doesn't that thing she's doing with her fingers mean something rude? When we were at school it meant 'put your tongue in me'. Mind you, that was in 1967 and times have changed a bit since.
















This is the one we pondered over most. She's weird looking, but extremely cute. Under proper lighting conditions she could either be amazingly hot or all lopsided and geeky.




Too westernised. 4/10.




Too much like a character from an American PC MMORPG. 3/10.








What a lovely smile! This photo must've been taken within the first five minutes of the show doors opening, before her delicate, butterfly-like soul was STOMPED INTO SHIT by 50,000 geeks trying to get a photo when she's bending down.








This one turned out nice. Good sense of movement.








Getting one like that to consent is one of our ambitions.




Yes, there's still lots more. This is the halfway point.












We really should learn how to do that thing other web sites do, where they have a link that says "Read more" that goes to a second page. It would add an air of professionalism that would surely see us 'headhunted' by Kotaku or Joystiq so we could do this sort of thing for money.




At the moment we do this for aggravation and legal threats.
















Respect goes out to KOEI, for opting not to dress its booth girls in outfits influenced by fuedal Japan, and instead making them look like Asian prostitute robots from the near future.




More Asian prostitute robots from the near future. Roll on 2012!




Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday, Christmas, birthday.










This is a character from some Japanese game. It's probably quite close to how she looks in the game.






Oh dear. This photo really needed to be not blurry. Still, you can get quite a good idea.




Even Japanese women can't think of anyone else to cosplay as than Kasumi. The TGS organisers are banning Kasumis from 2007's show.










We'd really like to get our hands on that - then fold it up neatly and put it in the cupboard with all our other rare SEGA t-shirts.




PROPER JOKE CAPTION: Rockstar's Table Tennis has been redesigned a bit for the Japanese market!!





Sorry if you're on a capped broadband service. You've just used up all of September and October's allowance.














That's it. That's what happens to the "main page" when you put 68 photos on it. Hope you enjoyed it as much as we hated resizing everything and doing all the links.

Labels: MEAT BAGS (WOMEN)