We'd give Lumines on PSP 9/10 compared to "all other games in the world" and 10/10 if we're just talking about puzzle games. But that's only based on about 100 hours of play. We might like it more, but we can't think about opinions because all we see when we close our eyes are rotating squares.



We think we like organizing squares because it means we are in control of the squares. Being in control of and in charge of squares feels great because we're never allowed or trusted to be in control of or in charge of anything in real life. Can any psychology experts confirm this hypothesis?




We've added "organizing squares into squares" to our CV's hobbies section (along with cycling, going to the cinema and a lie about having written an episode of 'Coupling' for the BBC).




IMPROMPTU LUMINES PLAY GUIDE: That all-silver block needs to be dropped on the far-right, creating a block of six mini silver squares that will all disappear. The next block (three orange, one silver) needs to be rotated one step clockwise then dropped one square from the far-right so it makes an orange 4x4 cube on the left and leaves a spare silver square on the right, so the next block (silver/orange diagonal) can be dropped on the far right 'as is' to make an additional silver layer of two that will add on to the six we created in step one and will also then disappear. Then the game will make a "WHOOSH-OOSH!" sound and flash a bit so we feel like we've achieved something. This game really appeals to our near-autistic need to organize things neatly. THIS IS WHAT WE THINK LIKE ALL DAY IN REAL LIFE.




So far in 2005 we've played three* games that are any good. They are PSP Lumines, Xbox MotoGP3 and PSP Virtua Tennis. This means we're going to have to send an email to people at Sony we haven't spoken to for about three years asking if we can have a PSP for free. They're bound to say no. Perhaps we'll say we're asking on behalf of Steve Boxer or Steve Hill.

*We also thought Full Auto was extremely ace, but wouldn't like to admit to that publicly on "the blog" because it's a game with cars that have got guns on that we're supposed to sneer about.

It's easy to feel overwhelmed and hopeless in the face of the constant bombardment one experiences on the internet of gameplay movies featuring Japanese gamers finishing Super Mario in eight seconds with 99 lives left. Hooray, then, to mister Hyde who has just taken the Sega crown back for us white devils by beating Ultimate Dark Falz at level 1.




HYDE'S ITENARY OF SHAME

1) He hunts Mil Lillies (one in every 512 lillies) and kills them until one drops Psycho Wand (one in 256 drops).

2) He boosts a level 1 character with all the best spells. Because Psycho Wand takes hit points, this ensures that every spell he casts creates sufficient knockback to kill him, meaning he never gets any experience points.

3) He plays through the entirety of PSO in this way, finally killing Falz on ultimate mode at level 1.

It took him, quite literally, years.

The time may have come to pack up your consoles for good, because unless you plan to complete NiGHTS using your parts of shame to operate the controller* then it's quite possible nobody will ever, ever be this good at Sega games again.


* Nobody connected with UK:R has ever tried this.**






** Maybe Jon.

London, July 29

Following the successful launch of the Joytech Xbox Fire Extinguisher Joytech is pleased to today announce the launch of the JOYTECH XBOX FIRE EXTINGUISHER 8" LCD SCREEN.



JOYTECH XBOX FIRE EXTINGUISHER 8" LCD SCREEN AT A GLANCE:

Clips

Screen

Car adaptor kit (optional)

Stereo speaker with Spatial Surround (TM)

Now you can use your JOYTECH XBOX FIRE EXTINGUISHER on the move, at a friend's house or even in a car. Email for samples/competition prizes.

From Dennis Norden's file marked "miscellaneous" we bring you a selection of the emails we've got over the last few weeks.

A GREAT PIECE ABOUT MODERN GAME DESIGN:
"Gazunta" writes:

I wrote this on my site, www.gazunta.com, thought it was a bit UK:R-like. So here it is in easy email form. Maybe if you like it you can put a bit of it on your website and then link to mine so I can become a CELEBRITY GAME DESIGNER!!

THE ULTIMATE GUIDE ON HOW TO BE A GOOD MODERN DAY GAME DESIGNER:

1. Come up with a "vision". Take yourself outside with a notepad and think. Think for a long time. Think long, deep, meaningful thoughts. Think about the synergy between the player and the controller. Think about the Pavolvian connections between cause and effect in a dynamic 3D space. Think about what it would really feel like to be a table, or a tree, or a bridge. Write these thoughts down in your notepad. You are special because you have deep and meaningful thoughts and nobody else does.

2. Think about how many times in a minute you want to press a button. Don't worry about what it is exactly the game is about yet. Instead, draw a controller and devise a complex system of commands the player can issue. MAKE SURE YOU USE EVERY BUTTON. Games that don't use every button are not next-gen titles!

3. Don't play video games. God no. They might corrupt your pure, untainted, dynamic vision. Instead, read Game Developer magazine and promise yourself that you will never make the design mistakes other people did with their games...whatever they were about.

4. When designing the main character, don't worry about petty things like a list of abilities they have that can be used in the game. You're better off worrying about what clothes they are wearing, and what the colours on his shirt are saying about the character's mass market appeal. Spend a week having intense discussions with anyone nearby about the character's motivation. Should he want to rescue the princess, or would there be a more interestic dramatic tension if he felt forced to by socio-political pressures?

5. Enemies should not be given old-fashioned things like "attacks" or "movement patterns". The modern day game designer should think of the enemy's feelings, and draw up a complex list of rules and by-laws that govern its movement. For example: If the Mayor of Metro City bursts into the enemy's train station, the enemy should try and reach a mutually acceptable compromise about the tresspass. Unless the enemy is feeling tired because they stayed up too late the night before, or there is a problem at home. In fact, since many enemies have a troubled home life, they should try and start an open discourse with the Mayor instead of resorting to barbaric acts of violence with the nearby metal pipe. Next Generation Gaming, right here, right now!

6. When asked to describe the game, use as many big words as you can think of. This will make you sound smart, and show the world that you are the next Will Wright, which is the thought that secretly makes you touch yourself at night.

A RESPONSE TO THE "PECKHAM" UPDATE:
"James Hunt" writes:

Here comes the Infoblast, get ready with your video recorders!



Pek Ham is also a substandard SPAM substitute from Poland that you can buy from ALDI, LIDL, or any other questionable quality foodstores.

http://www.smithfieldfoods.com/Brands/See/animex.asp

My chinese friend buys it. You do not want to know what 'in natural juices' means, or how much actual pork is in it.

RUSSIAN SEGA-ADORNED BODYBUILDING CHILD:
"ALEX MARTYNOV" writes:

Hello ukresistance,

See attached pic!

Best regards,
ALEX

A GREAT IMAGE FOR A PSP "BATTERY JOKE":
"Michael Staiger" writes:

OK, so this is a response to the PSP battery thing which is 7 months old but I'm sure you'll find a use for these pics of a colossal air/water separation column (apparently) on its way to Ellesmere Port bound for Qatar.

SOMETHING ABOUT WORMS CONDOMS WE'VE POSSIBLY DONE BEFORE:
"Omar Cornut" writes:

Better protect your worm!

Sega's being our best caring friend, they're making promotional condoms. For us to wank playing Sakura Taisen, with zero-risk of self-contamination.

The condom package says "Better protect your worm" in french:



Picture stolen from: http://www.the-blue-room.info/archives/44

OTHER COOL STUFF THEY HAVE PHOTOS OF ON THAT SITE:

A Dreamcast CLOTHES BRUSH!

Sonic Heroes SWEETS!!

A Dreamcast MIRROR!!!

A weird Sonic made out of A CARDBOARD BOX :(

SO THAT ROUNDS THAT UP THEN
Wasn't that nice? Thanks everyone. If we ever get round to making promotional mugs you all get 10p off orders of 20 or more, for your efforts. Cheers, ironic newshounds!

*If you've emailed us something we haven't used here, that's because (a) it was rubbish, or (b) we're saving it so we can take all the credit next week.

In shop form!



This is GamesMaster, a games shop located in war-torn Peckham, South London. We thought you might like to see GamesMaster and read a bit about Peckham, especially if you're from America or a posher part of London (that's all the rest of it) and have never been there.

NOTE TO FOREIGN READERS:
This is of interest to UK people because back in the early-to-mid-1990s there was a TV show about games on TV called "GamesMaster" that was really good, despite it never featuring enough Sega games in its challenges.



Peckham is a part of London people pretend doesn't exist. It's like a lump you find on your body, then ignore and hope it goes away on its own. The residents are scared to go outside, but at least they all have satellite TV for something to do!




Peckham is easily the shittest place in the whole world, including places like Afghanistan and Somalia.




Every time we walk through Peckham we expect to get offered drugs, murdered for drugs, searched for drugs or ground up into powder and used as drugs.




There's an arcade in Peckham, but we were too scared to go in it as we had our digital camera with us. Knowing Peckham, we didn't miss much. It probably hasn't even got Daytona USA in!




If you have shoes that cost more than ten pounds in Peckham you are considered to be a KING.




This is where people from Peckham buy their clothes. You can get a pair of work trousers for around 50p in Primark, apparently, and you get flu and nits for free!




This is Peckham's idea of a shopping centre. Walking into it feels like being a homosexual and walking into a bar in Texas with a pink t-shirt on. Even in the North of England, like Watford or Hemel Hempstead they have nicer shopping centres than this.




Here, in the sphincter of the sphincter of London, there lies a shop called GamesMaster. We didn't ask if it is officially licensed from the Channel 4 show or Future Publishing magazine of the same name, we just assumed it is not.




The chances of anyone from Channel 4 or GamesMaster production company Hewland or mag publisher Future ever venturing into Peckham are pretty fucking remote, so we guess they're safe from getting sued.




Apart from now.




There's not many people buying things in GamesMaster in Peckham. That's because if you buy anything in Peckham you get it stolen off you immediately as you leave. It's like a really harsh tax system designed to keep the poor in their place (Peckham).




GamesMaster in Peckham isn't on the mailing lists for getting up to date point-of-sale display materials, so they have to make their own out of paper and marker pens.




But it does have the internet! Recent surveys suggest that up to three percent of people who live in Peckham have got the internet, so this is great for the local community.




We are leaving Peckham and still have our digital camera! You stupid idiots! Don't you know how much drugs you can swap a Sony DSC-W1 for?!




After being in Peckham, every day is a bonus. It's like we have realised how joyous life can be when you're not in Peckham and are starting afresh. Look! We took a photo of the sky just to celebrate being alive! Life not in Peckham is great! Oh, and they should bring back GamesMaster on TV.

The Sega Homestar is a planetarium for the 21st Century Home! You lie on the floor in a dark room and look at the ceiling, which is great because we do that all the time anyway!

We don't know anything else about it than this, because everything else about it on its web page is in Japanese.



The web site makes no mention of games for it, but if it did they'd be (a) Golden Axe, (b) Columns and (c) Streets of Rage 1.

HOMESTAR

There will be a two-pronged attack on Japanese consumers when Xbox 360 launches, to ensure success in the territory:



MARKETING PLAN ONE: Bill Gates is to appeal to the Japanese work ethic by highlighting how hard he's been personally toiling on the Xbox 360 programme. The polite Japanese people will hopefully then buy the machine to avoid Bill feeling the shame of business failure.




If that fails, MARKETING PLAN TWO is to say how the wireless networking adaptor looks a bit like an iPod Shuffle. IT WILL NOT FAIL!

Fans of urban combat games well catered for in day-one release schedule:



PlayStation 3 -- it's for *everyone* that likes to buy urban combat video games based in real cities!

This is something everyone does, and this week -- YES! ONE HAS! Well done to Giovanna Cosentino from Italy, for blagging herself some sort of PR job to replace the previous PR job she blagged.

This is what she looks like, or more likely, what she looked like at an ABBA concert in 1982:



NOTE TO SELF: Email DDE re. possible product coverage on low-profile satirical games industry weblog mostly about Sega. Remember to delete the anti-women posts before she sees.

This just in from our Japanese correspondent in downtown Japanland:



This is where we've been going wrong. We've been not dressing like Darth Vader enough.

...because every time one opens her mouth with more than five people present, the cause of "People taking women seriously" is set back by ten years. Or in the case of the new Harry Potter book, eight hundred and fifty nine years, seven months, four days and eight and a half minutes.

Bought it, read it on the train yesterday. The first spelling mistake is on page 42, the first grammatical error not long after and our brain was climbing down our throat to give our organs a good kicking by the seven thousanth instance of the word "Said."

Sorry this isn't about games or masturbation or mobile phones. We felt that special dispensation was required, as even by ROWLING'S standards this one's what she might describe as "A fizzy-gravy firkin with a chuff chowder chaser" (along with anyone else who graduated from the Charles Dickens School Of Things That Sound Hilarious To Four Year Olds).

This one, right, is about women in games AND students. The only way this could be any more dull is if it was accompanied by a PowerPoint presentation about the percentages of women that currently work in games compared to the percentage of women that are students.

We made it up to paragraph three's "hosted by Robin McShaffrey of recruitment & business serv..." before giving up.

How long can YOU read it before wanting to attack random women and students in the street with beer bottles?!

Conference opens doors for student games developers

21 July 2005

Wednesday, 10 August 2005 is a day that will change the lives of the computer games stars of the future.

Students from across the UK will gather for the third and final day of the internationally-renowned Women in Games 2005 conference, where they will be given unprecedented access to some of the best brains in the business at a Student Forum.

The Student Forum is made up of five key elements, the first two of which are designed to give delegates a head start into the industry. The event kicks off with a seminar on Presenting Yourself!, hosted by Robin McShaffrey of recruitment & business services company Mary-Margaret.com. Students will learn how best to package themselves, and a panel of industry veterans will discuss everything from CVs and interview tips to presenting a demo. As part of the process, students can submit their own CVs for discussion.

The second part of the forum, entitled Winging it into the Games Industry, will give delegates a unique insight into the Dare to be Digital international student games development competition, hosted each year by Abertay University. Project Manager Jackie McKenzie will profile some of the successful prototypes created over the past five years as she tracks the history of the competition. Dare has spawned five start-up companies, and graduates of the project are now employed by games companies including Rockstar, Electronic Arts, Rare, Lionhead, Visual Science, Denki and Genuine Games, among others.

Inga Paterson, lecturer in computer games at the University of Abertay and organiser of this year's conference, said: "Marketing yourself for any job is a difficult task, and this is no less true in the Entertainment Software industry. Even the most talented developer in the world will go unnoticed, if they don't have the knowledge to present themselves properly. It benefits everyone -- job seekers, games companies, and ultimately the consumer -- if the best talent can be identified and nurtured."

Inga continued: "A big stumbling block for anyone hoping to enter the industry is a lack of experience -- and trying to gain that experience can be a catch-22 situation for so many students and graduates. I'm delighted that we'll be hearing from Jackie McKenzie of Dare to be Digital; this is a project that allows people to prove themselves on talent and ideas alone, and does not depend on 'who you know'."

The Student Forum will also feature short presentations from rising stars. Caroline Weller, who graduated this summer from Abertay University's Computer Arts course, will explain the process behind producing her interactive CD for Barnardos; while her classmate Robin Sloan will give a presentation of his game demo. Graduate Beth Sutherland, now Mobile Projects and Business Development Manager at Absolute Quality, will give a presentation on her experience of getting into the new media industry, and discuss her experiences in games, education, creative design and professional practice.

The fourth part of the Student Forum will see a keynote speech from Aphra Kerr, entitled: Gamework: gameplay -- a chilly place for women? Aphra, a game researcher at the Centre for Media Research at the University of Ulster, will establish what is known about conditions and barriers to women working in the industry, and to women playing games. The speech will relate the situation to the wider process of inclusion and exclusion in the media, ICT industries and society generally, and outline potential strategies to address the situation.

The Forum will be concluded with the closing session of the conference. A panel of experts, led by Mary Margaret Walker of Mary-Margaret.com, will reflect on the issues raised during the event, and explore the future with questions and answers. The session will allow attendees at the Student Forum the chance to hear an overview of the three-day conference, and mingle with delegates from some of the world's top firms.

Inga Paterson added: "New talent is the lifeblood of the games industry. The Student Forum is an essential part of the Women in Games Conference, because it provides a unique opportunity for young people trying to get into the games and new media industry."

The 2005 Women in Games Conference runs from 8-10 August 2005, and will highlight the most recent, groundbreaking work in computer game research and development in both academic and industrial worlds. Key areas for discussion will be professional development for women working in and researching into games and the games industry.

For further information, or details of how to book, visit www.womeningames.com . A reduced registration fee is available for group bookings, and all student registrations will be entered into a draw for an iPod Shuffle.

(Ends)

Women who are involved in the games industry need to STOP MOANING ABOUT IT and get on and do some bloody work instead of organising forums, workgroups and conferences. The reason there aren't more women working in the games industry is because they all get SACKED for organising forums, workgroups and conferences when they should be working. At least Aleks Krotowski has got something to do an update about today.

(If you came here looking for something funny, we recommend you check out this joke we just made about an "iPod Phone" over on our rubbish "tech blog" that no one likes).

This is a real game, not a Photoshop joke. It is therefore funnier than a Photoshop joke, because lots of serious businessmen are having to pretend this is a really great game that they genuinely like and think is going to "really catch on".

It's Freddie Flintoff Blast 'Em Cricket and it's out to buy through your Vodafone mobile on Friday, so it's unlikely there's enough time for them to make it (a) any better or (b) spelt right:



"Congratulation"? This is proof that even the people MAKING mobile phone games don't care about them.



We suspect this was developed in two weeks by a Taiwanese outsourcing company that usually specialises in creating DVD menu screens.

HERE'S A BUSINESSMAN PRETENDING HE THINKS IT'S GREAT:
Tim Yates, Chief Marketing Officer, Vodafone UK commented, "The Freddie Flintoff Blast 'Em Cricket game is yet another area in which Vodafone, through its sponsorship of the England Cricket Team, is adding to the cricket experience for the fans. We have already launched video highlights of all England's home internationals this summer, including the Ashes, exclusively available on Vodafone live! with 3G. This new Java game compliments the existing sports content available on Vodafone live! and positions Vodafone as the mobile communications provider for sports and entertainment followers around the world."

WHAT A TWAT! AND HERE'S ANOTHER ONE:
Pete Russell, Managing Director of Player One, commented; "Player One is extremely excited to be launching this fun and addictive title that will appeal to both cricket and non-cricket fans alike. Freddie Flintoff is a true international sporting legend and will contribute greatly in England's bid to win The Ashes this summer. With an amazing line up of fixtures this summer, cricket will be the focus of this season's sporting calendar and we expect this title to be extremely popular."

The entire mobile phone gaming industry needs to take a three-month unpaid sabbatical to think about what it wants to do with itself, because it really isn't working out very well at the moment.

Is this what people on web forums mean when they write things like "NINTENDON'T IS TEH PWNED"?



Says the maker: "It is currently running at about 4 fps and no sound it only runs a few demos and metroid intro and there is currently no controls" Awesome! That's why we don't bother with emulators.

We got an email off of Andrew Vestall! He's everyone's person on the internet they know that lives in Japan, and we think he offered to be our Japanese friend a few years ago.

This is what he said:

"I am sending you a photo of Yoda having coffee with a young couple at a Denny's-like family restaurant. I saw this advertisement in Shibuya this afternoon and something inside me died; all I can do now is spread the hurt."

He obviously likes Star Wars. Luckily for us, we're probably the people that like Star Wars least out of everyone on the whole internet, so this sort of thing just bounces off our steel-like skin.



We asked Andrew what the advert is for. He said: "The same cell phones Darth Vader was hawking (AU). They're having a campaign with Star Wars-themed ring tones, backgrounds, animations, etc. for free on newly contracted AU phones. So I guess the idea is that when AU becomes part of your life, so does Star Wars."

Thank you for that breaking news from Japan! For more breaking news from Japan, look at Andrew's web site.

***Sorry, another cock-up. Final headline as above. *****

Trip Hawkins is now... selling an Atkins Diet application for the 3 Mobile phone network. At least it's a better idea than 3DO.

Using Atkins2Go, 3's customers will be able to look up the carbohydrate values in various foods on their mobile phone, log foods eaten along and track their carbohydrate intake and weight loss over time. Already popular in the United States, Atkins2Go is the first application of its kind developed specifically for the over 20 million people worldwide who embrace the Atkins Nutritional Approach(tm) and are looking for quick and easy mobile applications to support their lifestyles

Trip Hawkins, Chief Executive and Founder of Digital Chocolate said: "Atkins2Go brings more freedom and convenience to mobile users who are conscious of their carb intake as part of a healthy lifestyle. We're excited that 3 shares our commitment to creating the most easy-to-use, fun applications for today's mobile lifestyle."

ABOUT TRIP HAWKINS
He made a rubbish company that made some rubbish games.

3 - Company site - Digital Chocolate and 3 bring Atkins2Go(tm) to mobile in European first

***Sorry, we got it wrong again. Corrected headline above.***

Trip Hawkins is now... selling an Atkins Diet application for the 3 Mobile phone network. At least it's a better idea than 3DO.

Using Atkins2Go, 3's customers will be able to look up the carbohydrate values in various foods on their mobile phone, log foods eaten along and track their carbohydrate intake and weight loss over time. Already popular in the United States, Atkins2Go is the first application of its kind developed specifically for the over 20 million people worldwide who embrace the Atkins Nutritional Approach(tm) and are looking for quick and easy mobile applications to support their lifestyles

Trip Hawkins, Chief Executive and Founder of Digital Chocolate said: "Atkins2Go brings more freedom and convenience to mobile users who are conscious of their carb intake as part of a healthy lifestyle. We're excited that 3 shares our commitment to creating the most easy-to-use, fun applications for today's mobile lifestyle."

ABOUT TRIP HAWKINS
He made a rubbish company that made some rubbish games.

3 - Company site - Digital Chocolate and 3 bring Atkins2Go(tm) to mobile in European first

***This is a re-run of yesterday's story, only with the headline we should've done at the time. Sorry for the error.***


Trip Hawkins is now... selling an Atkins Diet application for the 3 Mobile phone network. At least it's a better idea than 3DO.

Using Atkins2Go, 3's customers will be able to look up the carbohydrate values in various foods on their mobile phone, log foods eaten along and track their carbohydrate intake and weight loss over time. Already popular in the United States, Atkins2Go is the first application of its kind developed specifically for the over 20 million people worldwide who embrace the Atkins Nutritional Approach(tm) and are looking for quick and easy mobile applications to support their lifestyles

Trip Hawkins, Chief Executive and Founder of Digital Chocolate said: "Atkins2Go brings more freedom and convenience to mobile users who are conscious of their carb intake as part of a healthy lifestyle. We're excited that 3 shares our commitment to creating the most easy-to-use, fun applications for today's mobile lifestyle."

ABOUT TRIP HAWKINS
He made a rubbish company that made some rubbish games.

3 - Company site - Digital Chocolate and 3 bring Atkins2Go(tm) to mobile in European first

Fans of shooting games well catered for in day-one release schedule:



It's not just for hardcore gamers, it's for *everyone* that likes to buy squad-based war games set in realistic environments!

You're a Star Wars fan. You've watched the new trilogy. You will NEVER be able to look at the ice-cool cyborg samurai who vapourises planets again without thinking of Hayden Christensen's curmudgeonly doughplate grunting out the words "I slaughdered them like animaaals!" Short of Darth Vader shilling mobile phones, could things get any worse?

Oh, wait.


Warning: Dwelling on things like this for too long can make the back of your eyes itch, so be sure to keep a rusty wire hanger around in case you need a REALLY GOOD SCRATCH. We did, and now pictures like this can't hurt us again. Ever.

He's... selling an Atkins Diet application for the 3 Mobile phone network. At least it's a better idea than 3DO.

Using Atkins2Go, 3's customers will be able to look up the carbohydrate values in various foods on their mobile phone, log foods eaten along and track their carbohydrate intake and weight loss over time. Already popular in the United States, Atkins2Go is the first application of its kind developed specifically for the over 20 million people worldwide who embrace the Atkins Nutritional Approach(tm) and are looking for quick and easy mobile applications to support their lifestyles

Trip Hawkins, Chief Executive and Founder of Digital Chocolate said: "Atkins2Go brings more freedom and convenience to mobile users who are conscious of their carb intake as part of a healthy lifestyle. We're excited that 3 shares our commitment to creating the most easy-to-use, fun applications for today's mobile lifestyle."

ABOUT TRIP HAWKINS
He made a rubbish company that made some rubbish games.

3 - Company site - Digital Chocolate and 3 bring Atkins2Go(tm) to mobile in European first

Hoodies. HOODIES. In Sega's flagship RPG. Not even camp Japanese snorefests about the love lives of jailbait space elves in the future are safe from being chavved up now.

Yo, the Motavia Crew is challengin' you to- no, it's no good. We can't work under these conditions any more.

The latest bewilderingly detailed update on the progress of Xbox 360 linchgame Gotham 3 is here, and comes with the below grid of Gotham 3 images.

You might be able to find some clues about the game by looking at it for a long time in a methodical manner, like a modern day and internet-based Lieutenant Columbo!



It's 73 wide and 68 high which makes 4964, then you subtract the 38 blank squares at the bottom right to get 4926, Carol. This has been an enjoyable update to do, as it combines problem solving maths and a game we're really looking forward to, AND we're going to make a joke about wanting to die so we look all sensitive.

THE ONLY OTHER GAMES WE WANT TO PLAY BEFORE WE DIE:

Ninja Gaiden Black

Virtua Tennis... whatever it's called on PSP

Sonic Rush

That Jeff Minter light thing

That really is about it, which means we can die in November.

The time has passed when you even had to have any photoshop talent to take part in an interweb craze. See?



"Show the world we're not afraid of what happened in London," they bleat. Let's see how brave you'd have been if you'd seen half a burning double decker bus full of charred man turning somersaults through the air.

There has to be a better way to hurt strangers than to Google the internet for masturbation sites and make posts on them like "Dipping a cotton bud in toothpaste and inserting it into your urethra will give you the most intense orgasm EVER!!!!!" There just HAS to be.

Sorry, not sex shows. That's our imagination running wild again. Rich is doing some live MUSIC shows, playing orchestral arrangements of Sonic and highlights from his critically acclaimed Headhunter soundtrack, as part of the Video Games Live concert tour.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY TO US BECAUSE HE LOVES US MORE THAN ANY OTHER WEB SITE OR PEOPLE, Rich said "I had some Headhunter music played, plus I arranged and orchestrated a suite featuring the music from Sonic the Hedgehog, and put together a Classic Arcade Medley featuring everything from Pong, Tetris, Outrun, Rastan, Donkey Kong etc".

AND HERE'S RICHARD DOING IT LIVE:



If we'd been there watching this our heads would've EXPLODED with joy at Richard Jacques doing the music off Sonic, live. Seriously. They'd still be wiping the brain (and semen) off the seats and probably even the roof.




Crikey, Richard Jacques AND Yuji Naka standing next to each other! This sort of thing shouldn't be allowed, in case some sort of freak accident (meteorite, explosion, spurned gay serial killer rampage) happens and they both get killed and destroy most of what's left of what's good about the games industry.




Look! Elijah Wood is pointing at Richard, because he knows Richard is the more famous and best person! The weasly little shit. He's not making us jealous. We don't care. WANKER.

Find out more about Video Games Live here. HINT: Read the forum. There's a very attractive female organiser you might like to get obsessed about (it's safe because she lives in America, so when she says she'd rather just be good friends you can reply saying "yes, that's what I was thinking too, actually, despite what I wrote in that really long email this morning. Long-distance relationships never work").

Make it look like you care about something other than yourself, dinner and having sex via the medium of plastic!

Friday 15th July 2005... The Entertainment Software Charity (ESC), the computer and video games industry's official charity, has announced details of its latest fundraising initiative, the launch of four ESC Gamers wristbands, giving the UK's gamers a chance to express their passion and raise money for young people's charities.

A must have for all gamers from eight to eighty, the wristbands are inexpensive, make a statement, are socially responsible and help to raise funds for a variety of important charities. More than a mere fashion statement; the ESC wristbands can really make a difference.

ESC CEO Mark Strachan commented: "The ESC wristbands will be the must have item of the late summer and autumn. Many major charitable causes have adopted this method of fundraising. The wristbands give people the opportunity to make a statement and show their support and we are sure that gamers will be wearing their bands with pride."

Thanks, but we'll stick with the Handkerchief System of signalling that we like it (a) rough, (b) with no strings, and preferably (c) with a girl who weighs less than we do.

Don't laugh, that would've been you on the left if you'd been born ten years earlier:



Even in the 1970s the poor girls just stood there, looking bored and staring into the middle distance as the Alpha Males competed. If only you could still shut them up by giving them a balloon.

Retro Arcade - a photoset on Flickr

Sorry it's taken us so long to do another one of these but we've been holding out for Google to invent something that can make you draw well.



We are still waiting. Image created in Photoshop 7, Adobe Illustrator 6.2 LE, Macromedia Dreamweaver, DrawMax UltraHand 9, Freehand Handstyle Web Edition and Bic Biro 1957 Classic.

Hooray! Kagero is back! No, we'd never heard of it either until this one, (apparently) the third in series of Dungeon Keeper style trap-setting simulators. Don't run away, though! Look, this one's about lovely girls in fetish gear!



There's some bollocks here about a lone princess defending her castle against invaders, but put simply this is a game for everyone (us) who used to build fantastically complex Bond-style deathtraps for their Legomen (often involving gunpowder, corrosive chemicals and being frozen in a block of ice) that would have made a child psychologist steady themself on the furniture.

Now they have grown up and sit at their desks, daydreaming about how many pieces could be cut off the last one to reject them before they went crazy or blacked out from pain or fear. Thank the Lord that Tecmo is there for them (us.)



The latest Kagero gimmick is gigantic setpiece traps called Dark Illusions. These include a web of giant meathooks which hurl the intruder into the air causing him to be struck by lightning, and the much-touted "Twelve Killer" in which the victim is impaled on a giant clock and slowly crushed to death by its rotating hands.



Kagero is the work of Keisuke Kikuchi, a man who probably fits one of the following profiles.

1) Likes looking at pretty people and hurting things
2) Spike obsessed sex case whose games all dwell relentlessly and gleefully on breasts and horrifying murder
3) Genuinely feels this is what women do to you when they catch you

Whichever is correct, we think he's a strong candidate for UK:R special friend of the week. (He made Fatal Frame.)