"That girl from Atari, the boy from THQ"...
Or, to put it more accurately, the freak with the beard, the smelly one, the psycho fat one, the weirdo who never says anything (no wait, that's us! We're not going), all the skinny balding ones with shaved heads and glasses, the stutterer, the one who's handy for when you need coke, the ranting alcoholics, and, maybe, a woman, probably from the company organising it so it doesn't look too one-sided.
It's a video game industry singles night, and it will be the ALL-TIME WORST EVENING OF ALL TIME AND EVER. Even if you're not there, the ripples this horrifying gathering will send through society will make it a dark day for ALL OF HUMANKIND.
And we'll be scanning in the photos. Go here to read the FULL HORRIFYING DETAILS.
Or, to put it more accurately, the freak with the beard, the smelly one, the psycho fat one, the weirdo who never says anything (no wait, that's us! We're not going), all the skinny balding ones with shaved heads and glasses, the stutterer, the one who's handy for when you need coke, the ranting alcoholics, and, maybe, a woman, probably from the company organising it so it doesn't look too one-sided.
It's a video game industry singles night, and it will be the ALL-TIME WORST EVENING OF ALL TIME AND EVER. Even if you're not there, the ripples this horrifying gathering will send through society will make it a dark day for ALL OF HUMANKIND.
And we'll be scanning in the photos. Go here to read the FULL HORRIFYING DETAILS.
Forget the Xbox 360 launch, ignore PlayStation3, leave Nintendo DS the hell alone -- it was all about feeling girls at E3 2005. And this is the most astonishing 2005 E3 "booth babe" feature of all, one posted by a bloke in a wheelchair who uses his pretend disability to GROPE WOMEN, take sick UPSKIRT PHOTOS and do the sort of things that normally get you escorted out of places.
Being disabled ROCKS, you get to grope women AND are always sitting down!
This reminds us of a really long-winded thing we wrote but never used about how it must be great to go through life with only one arm or leg. Because if you only have one arm or leg there's no expectation to achieve anything or do anything with your life, so if, say, you manage to get a job at McDonalds while only having one leg, everyone thinks you're some kind of *hero*. Easy life!
A FEW MORE E3 'BOOTH BABE' FEATURES, THIS TIME NOT FEATURING DISABILITY SO YOU CAN ACTUALLY GET TURNED ON:
JEUX FRANCE
"Les booth babes de l'E3 2005"
THE TECH ZONE
"E3 booth babes"
GAME GAL (WARNING: SOME MEN)
"E3 2005 Hall of Shame"
1UP
"Booth babe Gallery"
IGN
"Babes of E3 2005: More Assorted Hotness"
IGN
"Babes of True Crime"
IGN
"Babes of Nyko"
Found any more? Email them in. And be thankful E3 isn't held in Germany.
Being disabled ROCKS, you get to grope women AND are always sitting down!
This reminds us of a really long-winded thing we wrote but never used about how it must be great to go through life with only one arm or leg. Because if you only have one arm or leg there's no expectation to achieve anything or do anything with your life, so if, say, you manage to get a job at McDonalds while only having one leg, everyone thinks you're some kind of *hero*. Easy life!
A FEW MORE E3 'BOOTH BABE' FEATURES, THIS TIME NOT FEATURING DISABILITY SO YOU CAN ACTUALLY GET TURNED ON:
JEUX FRANCE
"Les booth babes de l'E3 2005"
THE TECH ZONE
"E3 booth babes"
GAME GAL (WARNING: SOME MEN)
"E3 2005 Hall of Shame"
1UP
"Booth babe Gallery"
IGN
"Babes of E3 2005: More Assorted Hotness"
IGN
"Babes of True Crime"
IGN
"Babes of Nyko"
Found any more? Email them in. And be thankful E3 isn't held in Germany.
In the interests of impartiality, we present this new "screenshot" from Xbox 360 game Gears of War.
Looking suspiciously ten times better than anything else Microsoft has shown for its new machine so far, is MS "pulling a Sony" (this means LYING) in the wake of its E3 battering?
We hope this is Xbox 360-powered for reasons we can't go into.
Looking suspiciously ten times better than anything else Microsoft has shown for its new machine so far, is MS "pulling a Sony" (this means LYING) in the wake of its E3 battering?
We hope this is Xbox 360-powered for reasons we can't go into.
E4 SUMMARY -- DISAPPOINTING
We stayed up all night to watch E4, and there wasn't anything mentioned about video games at all :(
Joey and Chandler did play on a PS2 for a bit, but it was the old model. Glad we didn't go all the way to America for this.
Here's what we saw on E4:
9:00pm -- The OC. Nothing mentioned about PS3 or Nintendo Revolution.
10:00 -- Six Feet Under. Failed to reveal Xbox 360 specs.
11:00 -- Friends. Nintendo Revolution controller not featured.
11:30 -- Friends. No more PS3 games announced.
12:00 -- Dawson's Creek. Joey and Dawson reveal no next-gen console details.
E4 -- rubbish.
From yesterday's Evening Standard, which we fortuitously found on a train. It's the old "Oooh, aren't games getting more realistic?" case study, in which lots of old men who don't play games pretend they're REALLY OFFENDED by something which they don't really even understand. Kudos to the ever-present ELSPA man for making it sound like piracy is the problem.
KEY PHRASE TO LOOK OUT FOR:
"The Microsoft console has graphics so powerful that explosions, blood and shootings look realistic"
Finding this was one of those great coincidences. We only get a "free" Evening Standard about once every 20 train journeys, so imagine our surprise on getting one AND it having a Sega story in it! Chance in a million! There was also a lovely photo of Kirstie Allsopp on the TV listings page. Email us if you also have a fetish for podgy women in big coats and scarves wearing bright green shoes. We could probably be friends.
KEY PHRASE TO LOOK OUT FOR:
"The Microsoft console has graphics so powerful that explosions, blood and shootings look realistic"
Finding this was one of those great coincidences. We only get a "free" Evening Standard about once every 20 train journeys, so imagine our surprise on getting one AND it having a Sega story in it! Chance in a million! There was also a lovely photo of Kirstie Allsopp on the TV listings page. Email us if you also have a fetish for podgy women in big coats and scarves wearing bright green shoes. We could probably be friends.
Turns out Channel 4 cut her out of the 100 Greatest War films, AND her web site is flogging off all her stuff cheap. It's like she's died*. But she hasn't!
AND THE REAL REASON WE DID THIS NEWS:
*If she was to die, we'd put our money on her falling off a balcony at a party while high on a cocktail of drink and drugs. The post mortem would reveal she recently had sex with three different men. Luckily, she's STILL ALIVE! :)
*** BOUFF.TV 2005 SUMMER SALE NOW ON! ***
The Bouff.tv 2005 SUMMER SALE is now running with price reductions on a plethora of official Emily Booth items. We've dropped the price on ALL the superb 'Bouff Select' prints along with many of the items in the Bouff.tv merchandise section. And that's not all! If you spend over £20.00 on the Bouff.tv site you will also receive a gorgeous A2 sized Emily Booth poster totally FREE OF CHARGE! Head on over to www.bouff.tv and pick up a bargain today ...
*** TOP 100 WAR FILMS - WHERE WAS EMILY? ***
It would seem that Channel 4 decided not to use Emily's contribution that she filmed for Channel 4's '100 Greatest War Films' show. Our apologies if you sat through the whole show hoping for a glimpse of our favourite gamer-girl ... That's the fickle world of TV I'm afraid folks!
*** EVIL ALIENS PREMIERED AT CANNES! ***
At long last the Jake West sci-fi splatter-flick 'Evil Aliens' (featuring Emily Booth, Chris Adamson, Norman Lovett, Jodie Shaw, Samuel Butler, Peter McNeil O'Connor) has received an international premier screening - at the Cannes Film Festival no less! The good news for Emily fans is the film has now been picked up for distribution and will hopefully be shown in some UK cinemas later this year. Keep an eye on www.jakewest.com for more news about the movie and its impending DVD release.
More Emily Booth news and exclusive SPECIAL OFFERS can be found in the 22nd Bouff.tv newsletter: http://www.bouff.tv/newsletter.php
AND THE REAL REASON WE DID THIS NEWS:
*If she was to die, we'd put our money on her falling off a balcony at a party while high on a cocktail of drink and drugs. The post mortem would reveal she recently had sex with three different men. Luckily, she's STILL ALIVE! :)
Yes, it was definitely Gizmondo.
FREE ADVICE FOR GIZMONDO
Do more of this. It seems to work quite well, especially on the internet.
FREE ADVICE FOR GIZMONDO
Do more of this. It seems to work quite well, especially on the internet.
...because there was already enough geeky men standing around with digital cameras. Nice ironic photo of people taking photos, though.
Would the fact that we're twice the age of these kids have made us cooler or sadder in the eyes of the booth babes?
Would the fact that we're twice the age of these kids have made us cooler or sadder in the eyes of the booth babes?
Gizmondo!
It was the centre of attention, almost, thanks to the slutty Gizmondo booth babes. And so the Gizmondo cash continues to BURN AWAY, as the neglected handheld (far left) looks on, folornly, knowing its brief time here has already passed.
FREE ADVICE FOR GIZMONDO
At least make your bitches HOLD ONE at all times. We could've easily cropped the actual machine out of this photo.
It was the centre of attention, almost, thanks to the slutty Gizmondo booth babes. And so the Gizmondo cash continues to BURN AWAY, as the neglected handheld (far left) looks on, folornly, knowing its brief time here has already passed.
FREE ADVICE FOR GIZMONDO
At least make your bitches HOLD ONE at all times. We could've easily cropped the actual machine out of this photo.
This is Sega's PS3/Xbox 360/Nintendo Revolution/Landisk HDL-W500U next-gen game "sampler" E3 presentation, apparently designed to show what its key games -- Sonic, Afterburner, House of the Dead and something with robots in -- will look like when actually made for Xbox 360 or PlayStation 3.
You can't SEE anything -- apart from the ceiling of the demo room and some blurry things on a screen -- but it's clear from the blurry things that these games will redefine the world of games for a generation. Because they're... BY SEGA.
It's the Sega logo! Which means what we're about to see is AUTOMATICALLY going to be the best thing we've ever seen. That may sound sarcastic, but it's actually how we really think.
Wow! It's a something! Nobody makes somethings look as good as Sega!
Ah, right. It was a Virtua Fighter stage. Even though we can't see anything, it's easy to see that this is the greatest thing ever. That's how being a Sega fan works.
This is obviously going to be the greatest flight shooter of all time! Although there's a sizeable chance that by the time it comes out in 2008 or whenever we'll realise it's just the same game underneath and give it a non-commital 7/10.
It's a blue thing surrounded by green! This is EXACTLY what we like most! Like sexy underwear, it's all about what you CAN'T see.
And Sega fans across the globe simultaneously ejaculate upon the same Digestive biscuit (Ken Kutaragi has to eat it). Sega's secret E3 showing was clearly amazing, even though you couldn't really see a thing. There ends our compulsory strand of E3 Sega love.
You can't SEE anything -- apart from the ceiling of the demo room and some blurry things on a screen -- but it's clear from the blurry things that these games will redefine the world of games for a generation. Because they're... BY SEGA.
It's the Sega logo! Which means what we're about to see is AUTOMATICALLY going to be the best thing we've ever seen. That may sound sarcastic, but it's actually how we really think.
Wow! It's a something! Nobody makes somethings look as good as Sega!
Ah, right. It was a Virtua Fighter stage. Even though we can't see anything, it's easy to see that this is the greatest thing ever. That's how being a Sega fan works.
This is obviously going to be the greatest flight shooter of all time! Although there's a sizeable chance that by the time it comes out in 2008 or whenever we'll realise it's just the same game underneath and give it a non-commital 7/10.
It's a blue thing surrounded by green! This is EXACTLY what we like most! Like sexy underwear, it's all about what you CAN'T see.
And Sega fans across the globe simultaneously ejaculate upon the same Digestive biscuit (Ken Kutaragi has to eat it). Sega's secret E3 showing was clearly amazing, even though you couldn't really see a thing. There ends our compulsory strand of E3 Sega love.
A reader who understands the TERRIFYING MESS of the LiveJournal cry-for-help community has created a UKR "feed" for all you LJ-enabled readers.
This is the link he says you need: http://www.livejournal.com/users/uk_resistance/.
Now you can read endless Journals full of women moaning about their periods AND UK:R while browsing LJ!
(He also made one for Idiot Toys which you can find here. It kind of ruins the point of doing a web site, but there you go).
We've tried standing in the way of progress before, but it never works.
This is the link he says you need: http://www.livejournal.com/users/uk_resistance/.
Now you can read endless Journals full of women moaning about their periods AND UK:R while browsing LJ!
(He also made one for Idiot Toys which you can find here. It kind of ruins the point of doing a web site, but there you go).
We've tried standing in the way of progress before, but it never works.
About once a year for the past eight years we've needed a screenshot of Sonic CD, usually to illustrate some poorly-thought-out panel to do with that year's new Sonic game. But we can never find any. Even the advent of Google's image search didn't help, with nothing of use coming up at all under Sonic CD.
UNTIL NOW!
We've just taken loads! The next time we need a screenshot of Sonic CD -- probably after E3 when we'll be writing a poorly-thought-out panel on the history of Sonic games because all those new ones have been announced -- all we'll have to do is visit our very own web site and do a right-click-save-as.
If you ever need a screenshot of Sonic CD (you will!), here is where you should come too. Indeed, if you have just come here after looking specifically for a screenshot of Sonic CD, our work has been done. This is reminding us of how the internet used to be full of nice people that were nice to each other in 1996.
FREE DISTRIBUTION!
Anyone can use these, even GamesTM or Edge -- we're all friends when Sonic's involved! We are the Games Press of Sonic CD!
Don't use the rubbish ones Sega issued at E3, use these! (click for bigger):
Sonic CD really is as great as you've heard people say on the internet.
The people you've heard saying it sucks on the internet are really wrong, and have probably never played it.
And if they have played it, chances are they played it on a rubbish emulator which doesn't let the music work AND they would've played it using a PC keyboard. We're not ones to put words into Sonic Team's mouth, but we SEVERELY DOUBT it meant Sonic CD to be played with no sound and on a keyboard and on a monitor that makes it look jerky.
The music is the best music any Sonic game has ever had, even better than Sonic R (sorry Richard Jacques, but this is the truth). The 'Metallic Madness' theme has a vocoder voice of Dr Robotnik saying "Sonic, dead or alive, is M-M-M-MINE!" -- and THAT'S why everyone says the PAL and Japanese versions of Sonic CD have the best music.
Sometime soon, like maybe next week, we'll put up a Bittorrent file of the soundtrack MP3s. It's about time we learned how to seed torrents.
Oh, and see those rings? The ones in the scenery? That's not a glitch, it means you have to travel back or forwards in time to a differently designed version of that level to collect them.
Each level has lamp posts marked 'future' and 'past'. Each zone has a past, present and future version of it, all looking different and with a different layout. Seeing them all is a big challenge (for a Sonic game).
You travel to the past and destroy this machine that's hidden somewhere, creating a happy future where the level is all colourful and full of little bunnies hopping around. The Good Future music is remixed with children going "Yay!" in the background too. It is so lovely and nice.
This time-travelling thing adds longevity and replay value that no other Sonic game has had.
This and Final Fight CD made us glad we spent 250 pounds on a Mega CD, which was half a month's wages for us in 1993. And see those red and white bumpers? They make a fantastic early-1990s 'house' chord sound when you hit them.
The past levels look different and have bongo-driven music, the present levels all look like nice Sonic levels, and the future ones are either grey with techno music (bad future) or green with cheery music (good future).
THIS is how beautiful the Good Future levels are! The first time we saw one of them a wave of some sort of emotion swept over us. It was a strange mixture of happiness and longing that's hard to explain, because we're not used to feeling emotion thanks to being raised by computers in an abandoned branch of Dixons.
Some of the enemies do look like it was developed in the US by THQ or Dimps, but trust us -- it doesn't play like that.
The bonus round was done in "Mode 7"-style 3D, which was impressive at the time. Now it's not very good and does feel like it could've been developed somewhere in the West by a third-party developer, such as THQ or Dimps.
But the rest of the game is super. It's colourful and lovely, with music that matches the mood brilliantly. And look! It's a big one of those things from Sonic 1! Be careful, Sonic!!
Oh yeah, in the five years we didn't play it we convinced ourselves it was better than Sonic 2, but it isn't. It's about as good as Sonic 1, which makes it the joint-second-best Sonic game ever.
Just narrowly ahead of Sonic Heroes.
That last one was a joke.
Oh, sorry -- 56k WARNING! Should've put that somewhere nearer the start, really. Anyway, we're rambling and won't be able to sleep tonight for thinking about Sonic AGAIN. Time to stop.
Sonic CD -- we {{{hugs}}} you and you ROCKS, blood!
UNTIL NOW!
We've just taken loads! The next time we need a screenshot of Sonic CD -- probably after E3 when we'll be writing a poorly-thought-out panel on the history of Sonic games because all those new ones have been announced -- all we'll have to do is visit our very own web site and do a right-click-save-as.
If you ever need a screenshot of Sonic CD (you will!), here is where you should come too. Indeed, if you have just come here after looking specifically for a screenshot of Sonic CD, our work has been done. This is reminding us of how the internet used to be full of nice people that were nice to each other in 1996.
FREE DISTRIBUTION!
Anyone can use these, even GamesTM or Edge -- we're all friends when Sonic's involved! We are the Games Press of Sonic CD!
Don't use the rubbish ones Sega issued at E3, use these! (click for bigger):
Sonic CD really is as great as you've heard people say on the internet.
The people you've heard saying it sucks on the internet are really wrong, and have probably never played it.
And if they have played it, chances are they played it on a rubbish emulator which doesn't let the music work AND they would've played it using a PC keyboard. We're not ones to put words into Sonic Team's mouth, but we SEVERELY DOUBT it meant Sonic CD to be played with no sound and on a keyboard and on a monitor that makes it look jerky.
The music is the best music any Sonic game has ever had, even better than Sonic R (sorry Richard Jacques, but this is the truth). The 'Metallic Madness' theme has a vocoder voice of Dr Robotnik saying "Sonic, dead or alive, is M-M-M-MINE!" -- and THAT'S why everyone says the PAL and Japanese versions of Sonic CD have the best music.
Sometime soon, like maybe next week, we'll put up a Bittorrent file of the soundtrack MP3s. It's about time we learned how to seed torrents.
Oh, and see those rings? The ones in the scenery? That's not a glitch, it means you have to travel back or forwards in time to a differently designed version of that level to collect them.
Each level has lamp posts marked 'future' and 'past'. Each zone has a past, present and future version of it, all looking different and with a different layout. Seeing them all is a big challenge (for a Sonic game).
You travel to the past and destroy this machine that's hidden somewhere, creating a happy future where the level is all colourful and full of little bunnies hopping around. The Good Future music is remixed with children going "Yay!" in the background too. It is so lovely and nice.
This time-travelling thing adds longevity and replay value that no other Sonic game has had.
This and Final Fight CD made us glad we spent 250 pounds on a Mega CD, which was half a month's wages for us in 1993. And see those red and white bumpers? They make a fantastic early-1990s 'house' chord sound when you hit them.
The past levels look different and have bongo-driven music, the present levels all look like nice Sonic levels, and the future ones are either grey with techno music (bad future) or green with cheery music (good future).
THIS is how beautiful the Good Future levels are! The first time we saw one of them a wave of some sort of emotion swept over us. It was a strange mixture of happiness and longing that's hard to explain, because we're not used to feeling emotion thanks to being raised by computers in an abandoned branch of Dixons.
Some of the enemies do look like it was developed in the US by THQ or Dimps, but trust us -- it doesn't play like that.
The bonus round was done in "Mode 7"-style 3D, which was impressive at the time. Now it's not very good and does feel like it could've been developed somewhere in the West by a third-party developer, such as THQ or Dimps.
But the rest of the game is super. It's colourful and lovely, with music that matches the mood brilliantly. And look! It's a big one of those things from Sonic 1! Be careful, Sonic!!
Oh yeah, in the five years we didn't play it we convinced ourselves it was better than Sonic 2, but it isn't. It's about as good as Sonic 1, which makes it the joint-second-best Sonic game ever.
Just narrowly ahead of Sonic Heroes.
That last one was a joke.
Oh, sorry -- 56k WARNING! Should've put that somewhere nearer the start, really. Anyway, we're rambling and won't be able to sleep tonight for thinking about Sonic AGAIN. Time to stop.
Sonic CD -- we {{{hugs}}} you and you ROCKS, blood!
No, wait! We're making a hilarious joke like we always do! This is actually called a Landisk HDL-W500U, and it's a VERY SERIOUS 500Gb network storage device. But it looks boring enough to be the Nintendo Revolution.
That was the entire joke. There is no punchline so to speak of, so if you're American you might not "get" it. But that's OK, you've got more tanks and stuff than us so we won't make anything of it.
Look, you can even put it on its side and it still works!
We'd like to dedicate this joke to everyone who sent us (a) photos of routers and modems saying that they're the Nintendo Revolution, and (b) to the TWELVE SEPARATE PEOPLE who emailed us that PS3/George Foreman Grill joke and said we should "do something on it". It's just like having readers!
That was the entire joke. There is no punchline so to speak of, so if you're American you might not "get" it. But that's OK, you've got more tanks and stuff than us so we won't make anything of it.
Look, you can even put it on its side and it still works!
We'd like to dedicate this joke to everyone who sent us (a) photos of routers and modems saying that they're the Nintendo Revolution, and (b) to the TWELVE SEPARATE PEOPLE who emailed us that PS3/George Foreman Grill joke and said we should "do something on it". It's just like having readers!
US mag writer sees Sonic running on Xbox 360, then goes the kind of bananas about it that we used to go over Sega games (back when it was fashionable to do so):
EDITED "MAN GOING BANANAS" HIGHLIGHTS:
The full LOVING SEGA LIKE IT'S 1997 article is here.
:)
E3 RUNNING TOTAL: +15
EDITED "MAN GOING BANANAS" HIGHLIGHTS:
"None so eventful -- nay -- life altering as seeing Sonic in real-time on Xbox 360"
"It was like the anime opening from Sonic CD in the real world: Absolute euphoria. I seriously nearly wept"
"I just had to tell who ever is listening that Sonic is (unofficially) coming to 360 and, for anyone who grew up playing Sonic games , it's going to feel like the first time all over again"
The full LOVING SEGA LIKE IT'S 1997 article is here.
:)
E3 RUNNING TOTAL: +15
It's about statistics. We have no reason to doubt the authenticity of the research. Some people find this sort of thing interesting!
Hi - Video gaming is the fastest growing sector of the entertainment industry.
Below are the latest statistics relating to video gaming compiled by GMI. We have pulled out some of the most interesting figures:20% of the 13,000 polled spend up to half their leisure time playing video games More than 80% of those polled believe people will spend more time playing video games in the future 40% of those polled said they want to spend more of their free time playing video games In the UK more women than men (between the ages of 18-44) want to spend more time playing video games 58% of respondents do not feel gaming is a good social activity however in India and Mexico a high percentage of gamers (49% and 64% respectively) play to interact with friends 57% of those polled do not feel that gaming is a good way for a family to spend time together
For UK specific statistics, visit http://www.gmi-mr.com/gmipoll/press_room_wppk_pr.phtml and click on the hyperlinks within the release.
These "PlayStation3" Killzone pics are more OBVIOUS LIES of what Sony says its PlayStation3 is capable of, for you to save - then RUB IN THEIR SMUG LIFESTYLE-BRANDED FACES when the machine actually arrives.
Obviously, sane people like us lot are fully aware that a console which won't be on sale for another YEAR is unlikely to have been sitting in a development office in fully completed form for the last six months so a bunch of averagely-talented developers can copy Halo 2.
That goes without saying, right?
So this isn't real then, is it?
Please post this image on internet forums and say how it OBVIOUSLY isn't real time. We would, but really can't be bothered going through the registration processes required.
We recommend pointing out that anyone who thinks PS3 games will actually look like this is a "lamer" who, quite possibly, "sucks hard". You earn double points if the person saying it's real is a 35-year-old games journalist who really ought to have learned about how things work by now.
Anyway, we're off to dream about flipping open a Revolution and fingering its holes.
Obviously, sane people like us lot are fully aware that a console which won't be on sale for another YEAR is unlikely to have been sitting in a development office in fully completed form for the last six months so a bunch of averagely-talented developers can copy Halo 2.
That goes without saying, right?
So this isn't real then, is it?
Please post this image on internet forums and say how it OBVIOUSLY isn't real time. We would, but really can't be bothered going through the registration processes required.
We recommend pointing out that anyone who thinks PS3 games will actually look like this is a "lamer" who, quite possibly, "sucks hard". You earn double points if the person saying it's real is a 35-year-old games journalist who really ought to have learned about how things work by now.
Anyway, we're off to dream about flipping open a Revolution and fingering its holes.
On the plus side, there's a ludicrous press release to poke fun at. Which we be doin' right thur:
:(
E3 RUNNING TOTAL: +8
"'I'm as excited about 50 Cent: Bulletproof as I am about the success of my album, The Massacre and that means a lot since music has always been my life," said 50 Cent. "The new freestyles and the addition of Eminem and Dre show that this game is on the right course to follow in the successful footsteps of my music'."
"The game will offer a sound studio mode in which gamers can mix and match new original freestyles by 50 Cent with new beats straight from the G Unit camp."
"In 50 Cent's video game, 50 gets caught in a web of corruption, double-crosses and shady deals that lead him on a bloody path through New York's drug underworld."
"The streets heat up as 50 Cent takes on the most dangerous crime families in the city, uncovering an international conspiracy with devastating implications."
"More information about the game can be found at http://www.the50centgame.com/
:(
E3 RUNNING TOTAL: +8
"The video game franchise that defines the action-driving genre and is the standard for interactive Hollywood car chases is back as Atari today announced that the next game in the Driver series is currently in development by its award-winning studio, Reflections Interactive"
How many years ago were those awards won now?
:(
E3 RUNNING TOTAL: +9
How many years ago were those awards won now?
:(
E3 RUNNING TOTAL: +9
Look! It's a new 2D Sonic game for Nintendo DS called Sonic Rush!
Look! It's "forgotten classic" arcade game Sonic the Fighters as part of the Sonic Gems collection!
Look! It's Richard Jacques breakout game Sonic R, also a part of Sonic Gems. Oddly, Sonic Gems is only confirmed for Gamecube in the US and Europe and PlayStation2 in Europe. No Xbox? No Euro GC launch? Weird, but still AMAZINGLY COOL!
LOOK! LOOK! LOOK! It's Sonic CD from Sega Gems! This really ruins the massive Sonic CD update we've been creating!
Look! It's a 15-year-old retro game remade for mobile phone!
Awesome! This sort of retro business is OK when Sega does it!
E3 RUNNING TOTAL: +10
Look! It's "forgotten classic" arcade game Sonic the Fighters as part of the Sonic Gems collection!
Look! It's Richard Jacques breakout game Sonic R, also a part of Sonic Gems. Oddly, Sonic Gems is only confirmed for Gamecube in the US and Europe and PlayStation2 in Europe. No Xbox? No Euro GC launch? Weird, but still AMAZINGLY COOL!
LOOK! LOOK! LOOK! It's Sonic CD from Sega Gems! This really ruins the massive Sonic CD update we've been creating!
Look! It's a 15-year-old retro game remade for mobile phone!
Awesome! This sort of retro business is OK when Sega does it!
E3 RUNNING TOTAL: +10
Look. It's Mario playing football in Super Mario Strikers:
Look. It's Mario dancing in Dance Dance Revolution Mario Mix:
Look. The lead character of Zelda Twilight Princess looks a bit different than before.
Look. It's the same thing in another different case.
Abysmal. Nintendo sucks these days :(
E3 RUNNING TOTAL: -10
Look. It's Mario dancing in Dance Dance Revolution Mario Mix:
Look. The lead character of Zelda Twilight Princess looks a bit different than before.
Look. It's the same thing in another different case.
Abysmal. Nintendo sucks these days :(
E3 RUNNING TOTAL: -10
OH GOD, WHAT IS THE POINT?
A site about games and game paraphernalia and how nothing's as good as we remember it, probably because we used to inhabit a FANTASY WORLD.
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MICRO-BLOG
What are we half-heartedly skimming RIGHT NOW? RECENTLY...
Each post .02% worse than the last. ADVANCE NOTIFICATION OF "CHANGE" LITERALLY 30 PHOTOS FROM A MAN'S "SEGA HONEYMOON" A NASCAR TATTOO THAT TWO MEN THINK LOOKS LIKE DAYT... "EA ANNOUNCES COLLABORATION BETWEEN HOT NEW POP TA... "RICHARD JACQUES STUDIOS CONTINUES TO GO FROM STRE... CODEMASTERS HAS A GO AT 'URBAN' FOR 'FUEL' TRANS-EUROPEAN LARA CROFT STALKING UPDATE NINTENDO WINNING CRITICAL LIFESTYLE PHOTOGRAPHY BA... WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO IDIOT TOYS?
THE HTML ERAS
When men used to till the pages by hand. |
SHOPS
Use our Play or Amazon Shops to buy those shit Wii games you secretly like, helping the effort. ARCHIVES
12 years of wheat and chaff in one vast and impenetrable mass. |
FAVOURITES
Some updates weren't universally hated by the entire world within seconds of being uploaded.
1. The Animal Crossing Wild World mega-feature and public-service review
2. Sonic CD - screenshot parade
3. Cream The Rabbit sexual diagrams
4. OutRun2 screenshot-taking guide for the benefit of inept journalists
5. The personal UKR SEGA Toys Homestar planetarium review
6. Trying to buy an Xbox 360 in London
7. (STILL) THE MOST AMAZING PROMOTIONAL PHOTOGRAPH OF ALL TIME
8. A trip to GamesMaster (in Peckham)
COMMUNITY SERVICE
Links to that blog of yours you started up and were excited about for a whole weekend.
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FRIENDS
Some people we might've MET. Or at least seen in a room and been near. One Thousand Tiny Things I Hate "LIFESTYLE"
Other sites we are happy to officially endorse without requiring Adwords spend. PRIVACY POLICY
Having one is compulsory, apparently. Ours is here. It is not meant to be funny. |
ACQUAINTANCES
People off the internet. Quality and commitment levels may vary. |
A BOX TO PUT EXTRA STUFF IN
It came with the template. Maybe in 2014 we'll jump on board the Twitter train and put that in here. Or a radio. That'd be nice.